The shoe dropped

Back from 2014 it has been quite an open/new experience for me to have.  I have met someone who is truly special to me and I recognized it immediately.  He wasn't someone I talked about in my passing blogs because it was a short moment I wanted to take in and not jinxs myself. 

It was Nov. of 2013 when a friend of mine introduced us.  I was open because I trust his judgment he kept saying we could be a good match so I was anxious to meet this person.  Eventually I became impatient and saw his profile page on fb.  First off he is very handsome yes he definitely fit the physical profile of what I like in a guy.  Second what really hooked me what his postings were about and cute sentimental videos about life, appreciating the little things and what we're missing out.  That video post struck me because I saw a bit of his personality in this postings and how he viewed the world.  I really wanted to meet him so I told me friend hey if you do plan for us to get together let it happen naturally don't mention I'll be there nor let him know I want to meet him just invite me out and let him see for himself.  I went this route so there would be no awkwardness and humiliation on my end if he wasn't interested. 

That meeting happened and I made sure I was at my natural state.  I didn't want to be flashy, eager, or even look like I'm trying.  I wanted him to see ME.  I was ready for a real connection at it's raw stage with no expectations and nothing to lose.  I was nervous walking in but I immediately sucked it up with "you may not like him Estelle" and that was my mindset.  It was love at first sight for me and we we hit it off instantly and before the end of the night I took that leap of faith and asked him if he was going to call me.  He was surprised I was even interested because he wasn't sure if I was interested.  That gave him the signal and he took it.  We were hooked on each other for 7 days straight no "nooky" either.  He was a total gentlemen and I felt a strong connection the whole time. 

The shoe dropped when an ex wanted to get back with him and he decided to give love a second chance.  I was crushed and of course said to myself only I can experience something too good to be true.  That began the spark of just doing me in 2014. 

It's been a whole year from my last blog!

Wow reading my last blog brought a tear to my eye.  I remember it like it was yesterday what happened in 2014.  I was in control and living in the moment for a while until "true" love swept me off my feet.

Where do I begin in 2015?   I was talking about loneliness and complacency last year and I'm here in the same boat all over again.  I hate it!   It forces me to make drastic moves with myself but for some reason this time around I've decided to be still.  Just be in these dire moments and just take it for what it is.  Nothing more nothing less.  I say this because last year I did make some changes for me.  I wind up taking a side part time job that I enjoyed very much, made some new friends along the way, and earning extra cash.  I was good.  Before that I took some small trips to visit friends and even had opportunities to take advantage of these free trips that I had on my bucket list was great.  2014 had me open to new adventures and it really didn't kick in till I was dating the guy from my last blog. 

I really did enjoy him.  He taught me a lot about myself.  Now that I look back on it he really did come into my life as a season to teach me something.  To live in the moment.  I lived in the moment but on a selfish end.  I finally was at a place where I had consistent company and being spoiled and I was steadily busy doing my own thing.  I was definitely living in the moment.  Things were going well for us.  There were minor things I wasn't satisfied with because I wanted more.  Not so much more from him but just wanted something to show for in general in my life.  I suppose planning trips somewhere, meeting close friends and family gave me something to look forward to.  We didn't do much of that.  It was like he was my private relationship.  Which was great practice being steadily and only with one person constantly.  I haven't had that in a long time so it was comforting to have someone there.  He was slowly meeting my friends and I met his but it felt fake because we/I knew there was an end game, (there I go not living in the moment) so we played along like we were so happy just for the sake of "happiness"?  I dont know.  We did enjoy each other's company because that's all I had until a friend from my past came into the picture and rocked my world that's what caused me to be MIA in 2014.  So let the stories begin as I recover and discover what it is I need to change this year.....hello 2015!

This one's for me.

For the past several months I've been spending time with me.  I can't even say I'm spending time it's more of killing time and facing the reality of loneliness.  Loneliness is a killer for singles.  It causes us to take desperate actions, comprises our logic, loses sense of pride of being single by choice.  It's a mess because time is wasted by binge watching with no guilt. I've gone a whole weekend catching up on 3 shows on hulu and netflix.  It's so sad and pathetic but I rather do that than to look for nothing or hope for something that's ultimately taking me no where.  I rather be happy at home and enjoy my free time.  But this has gone to be too much free time and now I've been complacent looking for something to fill this void.  Blogging has helped me stay in perspective.  Forcing myself to get out is enpowering but I find myself repeating this same scenario and feeling when I first moved here.  It's getting old and Im dreading the feeling but it does get easier, especially when drinks are in you.  Three weeks ago,  I took a bold action and came up to someone and flirted with him heavily.  His smile was inviting so I took it as he was entertained.  Music and alcohol does release inhibition and attraction was in full force but it also felt right.  He was my type and I went with it and so did he.

Unfortunately, after few real conversations took place he mentioned he's not able to have children.  He has a vasectomy he says.  Sorry its a deal breaker.  Lie or not or reversable or not I'm not trying that hard to convince myself or him the posibbilities.  I walked away, politely.  Cut my losses now because that is something I don't have time for.  I ran into him later that night he grabbed my hand and asked for my number.  He was dissapointed on how I walk away like that and said he would like to get to know me and see me again.  At this point I felt a bit presumptious and phsycho to not  give him my # because he can't have kids.  Why was I thinking that far anyway?  I may not even like him.  It drove me crazy and embarrased for myself that I was so quick to cut him off by thinking years ahead on a potential stranger. I had to slow down and because of that I gave him my #.

I need to take it day by day and stop thinking about tomorrow.  I'm always thinking about tomorrow and it's killing me.  Its been very bad lately and Ive been isolating myself from the world because I'm not finding this perfect situation or ideal person to fit in my life.  I truly need to deal with things as it comes and worry when it happens.  This is practice for me.  For the past 3 weeks I've been consciously checking myself and trying to live in the moment him and the best part is I am having a good time.  I really am.  Nothing serious, no expectations, and yet we are both honest to the T with no reservations.   I've been so comfortable and felt like we've know each other for years its weird.  Maybe because we know where we stand and we have nothing to lose?  I do like him.  But I know how I can get and I'm not fooling myself to think anything more and the funny thing is he says "I'm the guy and he's the girl".  Its not consciously that I'm doing it but the honesty and where we stand does help me know my place and with that place I'm playing my role very well.  I'm just letting him spoil me and I'm enjoying every minute of it.  Publicly and privately.  So far my loneliness is gone but now its a new practice of maintaining my balance on getting use to someone around consistently and preparing for that loneliness when I can no longer hang on to him and not get caught up.  How does that work? In the meantime I'm going to ride this truck till the wheels come off.  To be continued......

I don't like his last name (Final)

Mr. Last Name has been persistent on seeing me.  We've chatted on the phone a couple times and I noticed how strongly opinionated he is.  I can't say much about him but he seems to be a genuine person.  I have to say the excitement fizzled a bit for me as the long talks and strong opinions disctracted me from really being attracted to him.  I feel sometimes we have to look at things in perspective and I was just thinking of the big potential big picture, if the possibility of us was perfect this is what I would have to face and I felt like I need to nip it in the bud immediately before I go.  This is how I look at it *side eyes*.  Even though I've jumped the gun big time about thinking way too far ahead wouldn't you think of this as a deal breaker?


I tend to lean more on the traditional side of things when it comes to being married like taking his last name so I"m sorry the thought came across my mind for a few seconds/minute/hour.  You know that saying "you don't get a 2nd chance at the first impression" or "when in doubt trust your gut" lol.  Anyways my impression of him was he was fun and charming and with that sure I'll give you my #, ha clearly doesn't take much for me but then when the laughter faded and the real conversations started to sink in, and to size him up but I couldn't get there because it wasn't all there with me.  I didn't feel the connection.  The connection where you don't need to talk much but just be and feel it without knowing anything about that person.  I'm looking for that.  I felt like the more drinks, deep conversations, and compliments had to be built for my fire to arise only to be full of smoke.

I kept waiting for the real answer when he told me his last name.  I seriously thought he was joking. He explained where it came from and why his parents came up with that.  Did I tell yall his parents are Muslim but "he's not".  Unfortunately here I respect my experiences and will have to protect the identify of that person.  :) but I can say it sounds like Saddam Huessain lol.  Get my drift.... But I will say it was enough to say "spell that"  I am not about to be someone's wife rocking that last name.  What do I look like?!?!  As shallow and ignorant as I am that was my confirmation.  He was honest with me that he can't give me what I truly deserves as much as he's willing and open to convince himself he would be that guy for me but the reality of his job and travel can't permit that sacrifice and with that I was all good.  I'm glad he was the bigger person as he will be out of town for the next 4 months and I wasn't able to tell him the truth that there wouldn't be a future no way based on his last name.  We are cool.  Oh well on to the next. 

I don't like his last name (Part 1)

Let me start off by saying dating isn't fun anymore.  "It's like a job interview with cocktails" says Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City :)  It really is because I've been on two dates with two different men and its becoming blatent on my face that I'm either bored or not interested and the sad part is they've noticed.  My response is "no I'm fine I'm enjoying myself.  I'm sorry we are conversing right?  No sure how enthused I should be?" with a smart smile.  I know I shouldn't complain but that's what I'm experiencing. 

Well here's the story about Mr. Last name.  I have to say he did get my attention loud and clear as I'm at a network event socializing with a new gal pal.  He approaches from the side of me as I'm in a heavy conversation with a female.  He grabs my hand and excuses us and introduces himself and had to say how he noticed me as I walked in and he couldn't help but to meet me etc.  I know so cheesy and charming at the same time.  I'm here with a gushing smile and just flattered by the attention.  So he continues to woo me with his compliments and he grabs my hand and we started dancing.  I can't help it I liked his confidence and his humor.  We clicked instantly but I immediatly had reservations.  He was just too charming for me to where I felt like something was up.  I didn't pay too much attention to it as I know how I can over analyze things plus my gal pal helped bring me back to earth about a different topic.  He wasn't too far from me and every time I would make a slight gaze towards him I'm already catching him looking at me.  I go and turn away quickly and I notice another guy sitting down accross from me he smiles and gives me a funny sarcastic look as if he's mocking the event and I smiled back in a confused manner because I'm surprised he even noticed me.  I noticed him at several events and would ask other women about him but no one's for sure what's his story other than they know him from somewhere else.  He's tall and very handsome.  He def. looks like the artist Maxwell so you know I'm already in.  Of course I continue to socialize as my gal pal gets up and gets ready to leave I take her place and stood at the bar and chatted with her male friend. A few minutes goes by and Mr. Maxwell takes her seat and sits next to me as I'm still standing.  We both made eye contact and I smile and blurted out "did anyone ever tell you you look like Maxwell?"  he says yes I've gotten that and smiles back.  Then all of a sudden my 2 second eye connection was interuppted by the male friend about some travel deals.  The man was so passionaation about this travel deal to where he busted out with photos, contract info. etc. and I had no choice but to pretend I was listening when all the while I think Mr. Maxwell was trying to get my attention.  I felt like I should have made myself more available but that was his queque to say something to me as I did compliment him.  He continued to sit there as Mr. Sales Traveler was in my space having now clue he was cramping my style.  Mr. Maxwell finally left but I had no worries because I know I'll see him again soon.  I'm just glad he finally noticed me and made somewhat of an effort to get my attention.  Or this could of all been in my head.

Now when I say he made an effort let me explain by that because he really didn't but what I've noticed about men lately is that they don't really approach women especially the ones where they don't have to.  They are that vain to where they don't believe in the value of chivalry anymore so they are use to women approaching them. (women are thirsty at the bars)  I'm not that gal.  So for some magical reason he had to make it easier for me to say something once he got closer to me.  That was the effort he made.  And of course I took the bate and complimented him.  I felt the conversation could have extended if I wasn't distracted by Mr. Traveler but that's part of the game of acting like I wasn't sweating him either.  We shall see if he remembers me next time.

Back to Mr. Last name I'll tell you more about him next time hehe.

Hello World

I'm back to sharing my world and views again.  It's been a long, long time getting back to this.  I've missed this, getting back to reflecting and understand everything around me.  I have some much to tell and reflect that I have lost a moment of myself like now to spend time with myself and do something like this that I enjoy. 

It's great practice to get back into the swing of things now.  I can't even explain where I have been lately but there has been some dramatic changes to my life but then there hasn't as far as being in a relationship and experiencing the excitement as I once did when I first moved to this new city. 

Have I changed?  I'm not sure a part of me has been more driven, less inspired, complacent at times but for the most part I do have a new circle of friends to where I have called this once new city my home.  I have made it my home and I'm ready to share what my home has given me so far.

Looking forward to sharing again!

Giving

From my last posting I talked about being complacent and the struggle I have with "living on purpose".  I love that quote.  I decided to do something about it so I signed up to volunteer. 

Yesterday I volunteered to help feed the homeless.  My task was to pour water into their glasses while they are dining.  The night before I was out with my girlfriends til wee hours of drinking and lounging.  I wasn't ready to get up but I had to fulfill my commitment.  I'm not going to lie to see a lot of men especially black men from young to old standing in line to be fed says about the economic disparity in this country.  They are the majority in this group I saw and it's hard not to hold compassion for the poor.  I can't say I walked away feeling good about helping because I felt it's not enough to make a difference.  I commend everyone who donates their time and money for the less fortunate and highly commend for those who works there on a regular basis because they enjoy what they do. 

As I'm walking around serving water I noticed others sharing meals.  Some shared because they didn't like a certain dish and was willing to give it to someone who's still hungry.  These persons could easily waste their food and not care about others.  But the little they do have they were willing to share.  I thought my contribution was a small price to give but I realized that goodness spreads weather big or small.   Little things have the greater impact and I've witnessed it that day.  Goodness spreads and it helped brought my giving into perspective that every little thing counts.  It all adds to the greater good of ourselves, humanity, and just the deed of goodness itself.