What's your value?

I just had an epiphany yesterday when I hung out with two buddies of mine.  My friend's friend asked me what is it about me that brings value to my relationships/personal life.  It was a very simple question but wasn't sure I understand it correctly nor was I sure what kind of answer he was looking for.  As I took a guess and stumbled on a response I said "honesty"  he said, eh wrong answer. He said "that's not my question.  I didn't ask you what you value in a relationship, what's your value to a you?  What is it that can not shake you.  That brings the very best of your core and what you refuse to compromise on".  I thought about it and still kept thinking who I am in relationships, so I responded to, "commitment.  I know once I'm in it I'm committed till the end".  Eh wrong answer again, he said.  You keep visualizing how you are with someone when I'm asking what is it about you. Who are you? Now I was dumbfounded as to what answer he wants and what exactly is he asking.  I'm thinking well what are my values to my personal life and I'm automatically thinking of my personal life.  I don't understand.  My guy friend was surprised that I couldn't see the value I bring nor could I articulate what that is.

What struck me is that he said he knows the answer and yet I couldn't see it nor know myself.  Then I became defensive because I have a general idea of who I am or strive to be.  We are all a work in progress but to stand up and vouch for my values in 15 secs. was something I suppose didn't know.  My friend said I am close to answering it but without confidence.

I know or try to be an honest person, I value integrity, commitment to do what's right, not let others persuade me.  I follow me for the most part.  I didn't understand how could those be wrong answers?  Towards the end of our conversation I had to ask "what is the value that you see in me that I'm not seeing?".  

Well Estelle there it is.  Your character/soul/you and the value you bring is truth and strength.  Those are qualities/traits that no one can compromise you on.  Knowing that and standing tall about it will never bring you down nor have to second guess what it is that you bring to the table.  I teared....because someone had to tell me that and how grateful that someone out there who doesn't know me that long to recognize what I carried all along.  Maybe that's a good thing that someone had to point it out because now that it's been said out loud what I bring to the table I know exactly what to look for and who would complement me at the dinner table. :)

No one wants to hear the truth anymore...

This past weekend was a 3 day weekend for me so I took the opportunity to use my free time and go somewhere else outside of my city.  I still had this free hotel stay to use and I never been to San Antonio before so I said what the heck now seems like the right time.  I don't usually tell my small circle of friends my plans but if they ask I'll tell them.  Well actually they don't ask until I'm not able to join their festivities then I'm forced to explain why I can't.  I tell my guy buddy that I'll be out of town this weekend.  He slowly begins to pry and ask if it's vacation or work etc.  I told him the truth its a small getaway by myself.  He asked, "why are you serious?"  Ok, I understand its odd for a young gal to travel alone.  I get it.  Actually I wasn't planning to travel alone. I did have someone special in mind but he's no longer special in my life.  Then I asked my good friend to join but it's hard for her to say no and I feel like I'm forcing her so I didn't put the pressure.  Keep in mind I was planning to go on this trip for several months now hoping I'll have someone to tag along.  So now that this 3 day weekend is coming up I figured its now or never.  To be honest I was going to push on never because when I couldn't find anyone to go with I just brushed it off and let my special expire.  My dad was my confirmation that I should go.  We were talking like normal and I was telling how complacent and bored I've been getting and he suggested I go somewhere get out the city even if no one can go with me.  "You don't have to wait for anyone to do what you want", he said.  He is exactly right.  He had no idea I was planning on a trip to begin with.  Heck I've been to another country where English was the second language.  Why did I second guess going alone.  The truth is I didn't want to go alone.  So with that my friend continued to beg for the truth as to who I'm really going with.  I said "It's just me".  Then he starts to laugh and says "Estelle you don't have to lie to me. I thought we were better friends than that, so who's the guy?" then I started to laugh for the fact he didn't believe me.  His banter was more insulting than joking because I was being serious in a non-chalant way and he finds my "alone" trip to be humorous.  So for me to avoid the extra explanation as to why I'm going by myself to get away and do me I played along and lied "he's an old friend from back home.  We both are off Monday so he's never been to the city either".  Then he started asking about the guy and our background and I continue to lie to where its coming easy to me as if there is a real person that existed.  I brushed the subject off and started to think wow my story is more believeable than the truth because again a single gal going away alone just doesn't sound appealing or realistic to hear.  Well my friend.... just goes to show how much you know someone or the fact he doesn't really know me or want to get to know the real me when the whole time I've been myself.  Well that's what I'll continue to do, be myself by myself.

I'm no longer interested

Time has flown from my last blog "Does that mean he's interested?" well to recap from that blog it's obvious I'm no longer interested in him.  He was very much interested in me and a very nice guy.  I have to say dating someone for some time does give you a general sense if you're interested or not per say....of course right :)  I got to thinking man I was so clueless, excited and nervous when I first met him and excited at first to go on dates.  So why didn't it last?  My answer is I don't know.  I still don't know.  There's nothing he did or say to put me off but from the whole time we spent together I still wasn't sure to prolong our relationship.  There was no definite answer to how I felt or how I saw him.  It was more of just being and enjoying each others' company but I can't even say "enjoying" is the right word.  It was more indifferent to be exact.  My friends say I didn't like him or there was no spark but I didn't mind hanging out with him.  I don't know.  And as I'm still writing this I still don't know why I'm not interested.  Maybe that is my answer because I don't know and to know that I don't know how to feel or understand what it is with us is enough to say no and I'm ok with that.  I may have shorted myself on getting to know the potential of us but from the time we spent together was sufficient to see what it is right now and that's being indifferent.  I don't think that's a good start to falling in love with someone.  Therefore I pass.

P.S.
We are still friends.

I promise....

I Estelle, promise:

1.  To slow down and take my time, especially in the heat of excitement.

2.  To live in the moment and enjoy GOD's blessings.

3.  To be honest with myself and honor my weaknesses.

4.  To always maintain my integrity even if it hurts.

5.  To be PATIENT.

6.  To say no and not feel guilty.

7.  To feel free and find my peace.

8.  To give freely.

9.  To say how I feel and what I mean.

10.  To meditate more.

Moving forward

I just find it amazing how tragedy turns into triumph.  I wouldn't say it's that easy to get over any setbacks that happen in your life but to handle it with grace and not letting it bring you down is the real pull to moving forward.  This past month helped me realize how strong I really am and how much risks I've taken in my life.  Looking back at my life things could have turned for the worst with some of the choices I've made.  But you know what that has not happened.  Everything I've done has turned out better than I could hoped for or helped me get to where I need to be.  Let me give you several examples how God's grace is good.  This past month I lost my job. I disagreed with how management treated me and I fought and reported them to HR.  Of course they didn't like it and found ways to let me go.  I was prepared for the worse.  All I cared about was being eligible for unemployment (UE).  Even though mgmt. followed the proper protocol of letting someone go to avoid paying UE I was still able to get it.  What's even amazing is that people were telling me I may not get it.  I didn't let that discourage me if all fails I have my backup savings.  A week later my computer completely crashed on me.  It was devastating because I needed my computer more than ever.  I had things in there I needed plus my study program which I solely needed to study.  I couldn't waste any time.  I decided to purchase a cheap computer off Craigslist.  Things were working for one day and then that crashed on me as well.  I got ripped off.  I was worried having have to buy a new computer now that funds were limited.  I shared this with my IT friend and whalaa he was able to fix my computer.  Not only did he fix it but now my computer is faster and better.  Feels brand new again.  I wish I spoke to him earlier but no worries the best thing is I'm back to business.  Now that my computer works I continued to have trouble getting internet at my place.  My neighbor whom watches my dog sometimes lets me log onto her network sometimes.  Well I thought to myself instead of paying more money to sign up with a new provider why not just pay her for a while till I get back on my feet.  She didn't mind at all.  Now I have reliable internet.  With all this free time that's available to me I do admit those down moments started to sync for a while.  I was starting to feel discouraged. I would spend most of my time sleeping it away and watch sappy movies.  I try not to dwell in my sorrows for too long so I limit my self to one day.  After one day I'm usually revived again and back on my grind.  It has been up and down with me but for the most part I've had better days than sad.  I still went out with my friends and not let my finances limit my happiness.  If there's something I wanted to do that's within reason I did it.  If there's an outing I always wanted to check out now that I have the time why not.  Just the other day I found the time to get my carpet cleaned I shopped online trying to look for the best deals.  I whined up calling my complex to see if they had an recommendations.  They were able to offer me free cleaning because I recently renewed my lease.  I was so grateful for that.  Another thing I'm grateful for was not having to pay for my personal loan for one year.  I had signed up for the loan protection where you don't have to make payments when you lose a job.  What I didn't know is that I have to one year to get back to making payments even when I do get back to work.  How awesome is that I'm able to build my savings again which gives me more than enough time to payoff the loan.  I was so happy about that.  I try not to let these minor set backs get me too down because I refuse to go there.  I can't say it was easy for me to get up but I can understand how much harder it is for others.  I am blessed to have good people surrounding me and the love and support of my family and friends who care.  It does help, tremendously.  The simple phone call from my Dad everyday keeps me motivated.  The follow up calls and texts from my friends to remind me to keep studying.  The emails my friends forward me of certain job postings.  As annoying it can be I appreciated it.  I couldn't do this all alone.  No one can!  It's actually selfish and hurtful to me to think I can do it alone.  Oh and wait did I mention having that quite time with GOD helped me find my peace and calmness when these setbacks happened.  I couldn't let it happen even if I wanted to.  I continued looking forward and not let these setbacks hold me off.  I didn't let having to pay extra to get another computer hold me back because that is a necessity I couldn't pass up.  Yes, we have to be smart on what we spend but some things are worth paying for in the long run.  Even though that cheap computer was a waste of money my attitude towards it wasn't and with that I was able to land me a job.  As I start my new venture with this new company next week I can not believe how much time flew with all this freedom.  You would think free time slows down time.  I don't even know if I truly enjoyed this break as a vacation per say but I can say I am well rested and now I'm back and ready to get back to the real world.  This break has given my all the time I needed to show how much these setbacks in my life are minor compared to deeper or worse tragedies that are out there.  I wouldn't discount my experience but it has been in these moments that help me reflect and appreciate how much I am looking more forward to my future.  It's God Grace, your Faith in him, and believing in yourself that will always steer you to where you need to be.  He has not doubted me yet nor will he ever!

Here's some pics. I took. Isn't nature beautiful!

Summer Meadow

Spring Bloom

Butterfly Blue

Chicago Fall

Does that mean he's interested?

I showed up at this network event by myself.  My girl friend had a flat tire so she didn't show up till hours later.  I'm at the bar minding my own business smiling and nodding so I can blend in with the crowd.  A friend of mine that I knew said hello and he introduced me to someone.  I totally didn't catch his name because I was mesmerized on how fine he was.  I said to my self DAM he must be taken.  I quickly turned back around to the bar.  I continued sipping my drink which was very tasty and refreshing from the sweltering humidity that's been going on.  He stood right beside me and ordered his drink as he made sure to keep his tab open.  I graciously smiled and asked what does he do.  He has a great job and a beautiful smile.  He laughed at me because I was a bit obnoxious about how I went about it...maybe I was nervous or maybe I just went straight to the chase and asked him does he know of any job openings in my field.  He said he didn't know then I went back on my way continuing to sip my tasty drink.  As we both continued to stare at the bar or the TV I suppose a gal "non black" chick came up quickly in between us rushing to order her drink.  I say she was older, a bit confident and didn't care I was in her way.  Clearly she was on a mission and I just sat there watching her game.  I may be new to the whole "game game" on how to catch a man but for some reason I say that was clear as day on how she went about it.  I know I wasn't the only chick that noticed him so I got to say to myself that is the only reason why she had to have stood right in between us because there was space on my left side.  I'm just saying, anyways of course she looked to her right and started chatting.  He  being as polite of course joined the conversation in which my guy friend happened to still be in the circle and introduced them as well.  I said to myself man I need to keep my mouth shut and be coy like this girl is, acting like she don't see him.  You know I try not to act "but hurt" so I occasionally smiled and joined the conversation.  She was very friendly to me maybe cuz I was a threat but chick never introduced herself either.  Anyways they were all cheering as I slowly turned back around staring at the non factor television.  I didn't mind watching TV after I while I was enjoying my drink and started chatting up with another gal to my left.  We whined up chatting and a older gentleman started to join our conversation.  He was funny not from the D but was on his 3rd interview tomorrow he's a "cardiologist" should I say so the gal and I real quick started ordering from the top shelf.....you know I started drinking scotch LOL.....no just kidding about ordering drinks he did take care of us.  But I asked the gal has she ever had scotch before and she started telling me the way to get a man is by letting him know what you drink.  She said the higher quality in your drink will upgrade the men you meet.  The gentleman didn't deny that at all.  He told me I need to listen to her.  I said I'm not ready for all that.  Anyways she had to step away and the fine man I was checking out earlier came back to the bar to close his tab.  He saw I was chatting with the older gentleman and I looked at him and smiled as he smiled back at me with the "I see you" look.  I felt we had the eye contact connection and was a bit bummed to see him check out.  But I continued talking to the older guy because he did have a striking conversation although I wasn't interested in him.  As we were talking the guy interrupted us and gave me his card.  He said sorry he had to leave but would like to chat soon.  I had a surprised look but happy he liked me look as he walked away with that bright smile of confidence.  The older guy said "let me back up and have him talk to you sorry I was blocking his way you should of said something".   I said "I had no idea he was interested".  The guy suggested I text him to let him know I'm interested.  Let's just say we scheduled a date for tomorrow ..........to be continued.

Greetings! I'm back again!

I'm back by popular demand LOL.  Sorry I've been on hiatus due to stress from work but I'm free literally and enjoying this freedom.  I have a lot to recap on these past several months and lots to dish about but for now just to keep the momentum going and have you in suspense.... let's just say pimping is not easy look out for that soon! haha. 

Miss yall!

Laughing at yourself is the best remedy

Picture this.....I'm walking my dog.  This time around it's a bit late because what I can I say I go when I feel like it.  I took him to his normal mini dog park where they have the doggy bags available for use.  I didn't want to go over there this time around because for some odd reason I had a feeling I might run into my neighbor.  He's someone who I had this thing with for a while and I've been trying to avoid him any way I can.  I decided to pass on the park.  I walk back to my building and as I'm strolling along enjoying the nice weather and cool breeze this loud AC unit came on and startled me.  I jumped and chuckled a little because it was funny having to see myself jump out of nowhere.  As I continue walking towards the mailbox I see my neighbor driving into the complex, my heart jumped.  I waited a few seconds, thinking he may stop by the mailbox, so as I thought about looking foolish I proceeded to walk faster towards my building.  Three young teenage boys hanging outside their patio started whistling, trying to get my attention, saying they want to walk my dog.  I looked at them with a smart smile and walked up the stairs, when all of a sudden I fell all fours to the ground.  I didn't trip over my dog in which I sometimes do but there was nothing on the ground that gave me a reason for my fall.  Nothing!

Luckily the guys didn't see me because they were adjacent to the building so they didn't see me walk up the stairs.  My first thought was I hope my neighbor didn't see me, which I wasn't sure at this point if he parked or drove but the second I brushed myself up....a voice yelled out "are you ok?"  I quickly turned around and this random stranger was standing there continuing to ask if I was ok.  My heart dropped out of embarrassment.  I couldn't believe someone saw me.  I was mortified!  Then I started laughing hysterically at myself so hard!

I guess this was God's message to say stop sweating the small stuff and just live!  Honestly laughing so hard at myself helped me feel alive again.  It helped me feel a bit happy at where I'm at, at this moment.

I needed it.  Thank you!

Being single is Overrated!

I read a quote from an artist saying "You don't want to live your life and then meet someone. You want to share your life with someone."  I couldn't agree more.

It's funny because I know several men who has to do all these things they want to finish and accomplish before they make that commitment or when they are ready.  But I'm thinking when do you decide when you're ready?  Will you ever really be ready?  Do men look at their bank account one day and say yes it's time, let me look for the hottest chick that comes my way and spoil her and convince her that I'm the perfect guy and then 5 years later you find out you two have nothing in common?  Seriously is that the proper way to say you're ready?


It's like men want this perfect scenario of how things should be but they are only looking at the superficial aspect of the relationship.  I understand a man wanting to provide for his family but it seems like today the men want to get the house, nice car, money in the bank all on their own to pull that "perfect" woman.  I find it unfortunate when they realize this perfect life isn't what it's cracked up to be and before you know it time and money has been spent to find the reality of it all.  The grass really isn't greener.

What happened to couples working together to make a goal, to go to school while the partner supports him/her, or to save together to get the nice house/car.  Why can it be done together?  This cycle is all messed up because now men are about having someone temporary to hook up with to fight the loneliness and keep their ego high.  At the same time working towards their own selfish goals thinking someone better will come along.  I'm sure it's possibly and probable that anyone can pull anything depending what they're offering but is that the basis for an ideal relationship?  I know they want love too but I find it sad that sometimes the good ones are the ones that are helping build them where they want to be but us women take and accept or even hope that his potential love will foster but his vision of his potential "wife" will fall into the timing trap of when he's ready.

It SUXS!

Fool for You! Happy Valentines Day!

What?! That real, that deep, that burning, that amazing unconditional, inseparable love
That feel like forever, that always emotional but still exceptional love
Can't nobody tell me nothing it is what it is
And any mistake you make I, I just may forgive
Ooh, right now, right now at this very moment still love her like I loved her then
Oh, I love her in and out and up and down and 'round and 'round and over and over again
So rare they swear that you just don't exist
And It's only one person I can think of makes me feel like this
And I'm a fool, such a fool for you!


Oh, So sweet, so deep, so real, oooh we God damn
That's some powerful stuff
Oh, How you do it? D-d-do it
Keep it coming baby
I can't seem to get enough
What you do, what you say
Makes me wanna l-l-love you
Baby, I don't even have a choice
Ooh, And if I did it still be you,
Cause you're the man, among these other boys


Sweet sugar, I surrender
White flag,
Oh I won't even put up a fight
Ooh, Cause there ain't a damn thing wrong
About this kind of loving
Ooh and, it feels so right


Gonna, write a letter tell it to my mama
And she gon' tell the world that I love You!
Oooh, Some people probably say I'm crazy
But I don't mind, being a fool for you.


I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm such a fool...

Song by Cee-lo and Melanie Fiona

The love you live

I hate to share this but it's something that's so heart wrenching and terrible to hear when an old friend is experiencing something bad.  She is currently pregnant with her second child while she just had her first child less than a year ago.  Her husband is leaving her for another woman because he realized he never wanted to have kids.  Horrible, horrible to know and to hear after years of them being together.

I can't explain nor ever feel what she's going through but it definitely puts you in perspective of yourself and your life.  You start to question what if this happened to me or fearing that this can happen to you and afraid that who you think you know you never knew at all.

Can love really get you that far deep to where you are so blinded?  Yes, she said "there were warning signs, yes, you start to see everything clearly when it hits the fan, but then how do you know when to look away or walk away when the love is so strong or the faith you have to work it out."  It's a really good question and a hard question depending on whomever's circumstances may be.  I sat in silence.......because I'm sure and believe Love can make you do some of the craziest things.  It's interesting because it is a catch 22 as far as the faith of love and the fear of love can have on you.  The risk and the reward are both so much to where it's almost the same.  Either way you experience it, there will be a significant affect on one's life.  I guess in this game called life we all choose one way but sometimes life forces you to choose another.  That's what makes the world go round.  No one ever sees this as its happening but it happens.  My truth is there is no right or wrong way to find Love.  I suppose, the love you have for yourself that will always direct you on how you want to live your life.  That's a promise I can keep.

My prayers are with her and her family.