I was wrong........

Looking at my past relationships on whatever they were, I always told myself well maybe I wasn't the one.  Or maybe I wasn't right for him.  I had all theses excuses and thoughts in my head that played back to what if this happened or what if I did this differently.  I always blamed me for these failing relationships.  I always hear well when it's the right time everything will fall in place.  Well I've been waiting and looking and the universe still hasn't made that connection.  So what does that say I suppose it literally is just not the right time.  But as time went by I just now realize today that maybe I was wrong on the men or man I thought I would be right for.  Maybe I was wrong about them.  It never dawned on me that I never truly did see them for who they are with me but the illusion or fantasy I had about them.  So you know what I'll take accountability for my selections and my choices that I have made in my relationships.  I can't blame them for allowing them in my life nor can I blame the fact I wasn't the right person for them.  I was wrong in choosing who I thought was the right person for me.  Next time the choice won't be mine to pick.  It will be given with no questions or doubt about me in my relationship.

What I want

A friend of mine asked me last week what is it that I want in a man?  Typically question from a guy I have no interest in.  Not to toot my own horn or anything but Im getting the hint he's attracted to me.  He's a nice person.  Anyways I was hesitant to answer because I know how this goes with men.  They will compare themselves to my description and then say well I do that or Im that way etc.  Which is exactly what he did.

It's not an answer I really need him to hear because honestly it doesn't do justice for him to know.  Why does he need to know really?  Another question that's annoying from men, asks why Im single.  I'm starting to hate that question even though its a compliment.  I just want to scream to the world and say because guys are plain idiots! Seriously!

He looked at me with sincerity in his question and I looked at myself with this question and really thought about it.  Because I'm starting to think to where things really matter now and honestly I want to give myself a true reflective answer.  So at first I gave myself this list right, I described all the things I'm attracted to and what I know can make me happy etc.  I'm thinking my description has more depth to it not just the superficial answers I catch myself saying sometimes.

Then I realized you know what....as years gone by I have had those men, each one a notch up from the past men I dated.  All the things I wanted in a man I have honestly dated and had such a good time and bad times with.  I stopped and had this huge epiphany over me.  I said I can want them all I want and have them if I wanted to but the truth is none of them not one single person has loved me back or least to say wanted to be with me on a committed level in a long time.  So no bump this description of what I want.  What I truly want and need is a man who's ready and wants to love me!

Loneliness

I don't know if the feeling of loneliness is good for you.  I don't ever feel good being lonely.  Let me take that back there are times where I cherish my alone time, but to feel lonely I think is a sinking, depressing, and sad feeling that I get sometimes.

Honestly I feel more lonely when Im with someone who's not satisfying my desires.  I can be in a room full of people, surrounded by strangers and feel so alone, so small, so invisible.  Some of my amazing experiences on my last trip was shared mostly with complete strangers.  I couldn't feel the real true joy by myself.  I told someone as much as I should be happy, I don't feel the rush like I use to.  She said maybe because you're not sharing it with someone.  She's right.  I felt numb to the excitement.  I felt so sad on what I'm experiencing and all I could wish was to share this with someone, could be a friend as well.

Based on my personal experience  I find it to be true that no one or "I" can be truly happy without sharing your happiness with someone. Isn't that how relationships and friendships are built by sharing?

But you know what I know it's needed I know we all have to experience this alone.  Otherwise how else can we appreciate the time shared.

Are you really ready?

A friend of mine told me some good news about a guy I use to know.  She said he's has a live in girlfriend who's carrying his twins.  It was such good news because we both knew him to be someone who was ready to settle down.  He was the kind of sweet person who was looking for love but in all the wrong places.  We felt bad for him because he would go through relationships like the weather.  He didn't express the heartache he went through but we could see he was ready for love.  It's interesting because he gave up on love for a while and focused on himself.  He moved out of his two roommate living situation and bought a house on his own.  He fixed his place nice and found out a childhood friend of his lives in his town.  They hit it off the bat and have been together ever since.  This is where the universe works for you.  He was ready to settle down so he created a path that will help him get there.  He bought his first house not expecting to get a girlfriend anytime soon but his preparation and opportunity created luck that enable him to get what he wanted.  Now he's happily having twin kids with his soon to be future wife.  I had this conversation with another friend a month ago.  I asked him "why do I always attract guys who are not available?"  He said "maybe you are giving off the vibe/energy that you're not ready either."  "How is that?  I am ready!"  He said. "are you really?  If you were to settle down and have kids right now would you truly be happy?"

I took a long look at myself and honestly I said no.  I would be happy but I know in the long run there would be resentment.  Resentment to where there's still a lot of things I would like to do before I have kids.  I still need to get this certification to advance in my career.  I want to pay off all my debt.  I want to get a condo and a new car.  I want to travel to at least 2 more countries.  There's all of this stuff I need and want to do before I can fully happily give myself.  So if I were to settle down right now it wouldn't be what I truly desired yet.  So with that being said.  I don't need to rush things, I don't need to worry about the future because when I am truly ready GOD will pave the way and I will be well prepared to meet my opportunity when it presents itself at the right time.  I truly believe that and I know several stories that's living proof of God's glory.  So as long as I believe and continue to have faith in myself, GOD will always give me what I'm looking for.  It may not be at the time I want it but it WILL happen.   GOD is GOOD!

Tomorrow will always be a new day!

I had an emotional break down last night.  I'm on this strict regime plan to study for the next 3 weeks so I can take part one of my certification exam.  This plan was perfect to begin because Aug. 1st fell on a Monday.  It's an erie way to convince myself to get myself together on the first of the month especially when it fell on a Monday.  I feel so productive on Mondays.  Anyways I vowed to be disciplined and focused with no distractions because all last week I was heavily off course.  This is what I told myself and honestly I was pumped for the challenge.  Day 1 started yesterday and it was a straight blow to my face.  I actually did good I went to the library finished two chapters that I wanted and felt a sense of accomplishment along with no distractions.  Yeh well no distractions happened all day.  I didn't hear from anyone and now that the rest of my evening was set I wanted to get out of the house.  I called all my friends no one was available either booed up or had other plans.  My boo was with his kids but I didn't hear from him all day so that was no biggy.   I was starting to get emotional.  I felt a bit lonely.  I felt this way when I first moved here and had to force myself to get out which wasn't too bad but for some reason I didn't want to do that all over again.  I had plenty of friends that were sufficient enough.  The last thing I want right now is to make new friends.  I'm past it.  Anyways I started to look online what's going on and I was a excited a little cuz there were some events that sparked my interest.  Then all of a sudden time when by and I was like I rather see a movie.  I didn't feel like socializing and talking to folks.  I didn't have anything to share that would peak my interest so I rather do something alone.  Movies it is.  I was still behind watching the "Bridesmaids" movie so I went and saw that.  I was hoping I'd be the only one in the theatre  but no that place was mad packed.  I'm thinking shouldn't this movie be out of DVD by now, wow folks are still lining up to watch this.  Knowing that I was very excited.  Anyways the movie was awesome cracked me up I loved it.  Then when I got home I started to get home sick.  Part of that movie had me reminiscing about home and old friendships and how much you've experienced back then with all you friends.  I missed that.  I know everyone is a phone call away but just seeing them and being yourselves around them always has that extra comfort of who you are.  Last night I kind of felt at a stand still.  My family isn't here.  I have this little piece of me that yearns for something of my own to call family in this new city.  I guess I'm at a place where I'm still trying to find what makes a house a home, a city a home, friends your family, love your reality.  It was a tester last night for me to think this but today as I woke up I felt better that tomorrow  will always be a new day.  All I can do is proceed to day two of my studying.

Be that Bitch!

I just had a bitch moment right now because my date is 30 mins late so now I time to spare.  Being late is no excuse okay, especially when plans were arranged months, weeks, and a day ago to confirm and remind yo ass about the scheduled event.  Ok I understand there are hickups along the way that may come up and because we planned this months, weeks and days ago your ass should of arranged these hick ups accordingly.  So I'm sorry if I didn't come off flexible and understanding to your hickup but now you wasting my time.  My time to have a laid back drink and people watch.  My time to where we may lose our table and be stuck against the wall behind the crowd.  No more being nice cuz before I would of brushed it off and been glad to see you even if you were hours late, as long as you made it.  Now I don't give a dam.  I'll be that Bitch and call you out.  And if you call me a Bitch for bitching....negro you have another thing coming.  I will pretend to be happy and walk away footing you with an expensive bill, try me.  I will be that angry black woman.    So instead of me giving you my two cents I said "your ass better be here by xpm!"  He text back within 5 mins "on the way" LOVES IT!  Therefore ladies if you don't show you don't play then he will never try. 

BE THAT BITCH!  and if he can't hang, you don't want to be with a bitch no way.

Checking IN..............6 months later

It's weird, before I was so motivated to blog and write about something that interested me.  I would say, ooh that's a good story to blog about but when I get home sometimes I sulk, worry, or just shut myself from the world.  The last thing I want to do is talk about my feelings because before that's all I wanted to do is talk about my feelings.  But now I'm feeling numb to it all.  I think I'm just tired of experiencing things that's not making me happy, that's not lifting my spirits, whether it's relationships or work.  Lately, I've just been consumed with work and worrying about my career to where I tend to second guess who I am.  It's crazy but it's true.  You work your whole life going to school, succeeding in your career and then only to have doubts when things don't go your way.  That goes for relationships too.   I presume it's natural to experience that but now I'm questioning well what if I did give it all up? What would I really be doing with my life?  Because this life right here is all I know, what I worked hard for, what I stayed devoted and committed to.  This is what I built for myself to provide the security and lifestyle I desired and chose to live.  Heck I don't think we have any other choice to survive.  So for me to question and give it all up and start over is even scarier than ever.  I just don't know what I'm doing.  But how I feel is what I yearn for....to be happy.  Right now I'm still looking to see what it is that will make me happy.  I know it's a process we all have to reach.  The last thing I need to  worry about is loving someone else.  I need to find the love for myself.  It's the second half of 2011 my friends and the past 6 months have flew right by me.  My goals have drifted a bit off course since my "Happy Ending to new Beginnings" blog back in December.  I still have another 6 months to reach them but I promise myself for the rest of this year I will be in control and make a conscious effort to stay in control to find my happiness.

Other people's shoes

A new gal of mine from work, in which we happened to have met before we found out we work for the same company, is going through something I experienced several years ago.  Actually I'm sure we all have experienced it it's called "break up".  Well for her she is going through exactly what I went through with a man I so fell in love with.  The thing is she gave him 3 years. I gave him 12 months.  Of course the love we had for our partners have no comparison nor time stamp but the feelings we experienced I say were pretty close.  I knew what she was going through and I felt her pain.  She's in it 6 months grieving but getting through it.  She tells me her stories and her resentments, and how she wish etc. but in the end he couldn't give her what she wanted and he was the bigger man to walk away and for her to mutually agree. However, this 6 month period hasn't really been truly a break up.  It's just been them slowly dragging it out till someone finds someone else or just ends it completely.  It's truly harder than it seems.  You think the verbal break up sums up what it is but backing out and completely walking away is harder than it seems.  It's funny cuz I don't think anyone can truly experience the pain of breaking up until they actually do break up cold turkey style.  For me, eventually it seems like that is the only way to truly move on.  To truly reflect on your feelings and to force yourself to face reality that it is OVER.  I feel her completely because it took me a long time to move on.  Meaning letting it go and getting back to myself again.  Of course the experience of a heartache will always have an affect on you and there is a little piece that has matured and changed you a little bit, but the essence if you, the core of getting back to what makes you happy or feeling normal again takes nothing but TIME.  That is the true answer to grieving and no matter how you slice it, it's just how much time does one have to take....prolong it by having the on and off break up or face it now and heal sooner than you think.  But to each is own and I know for me, for me to find who I was again after losing my dreams with someone is to break away completely and to move forward on a new path of finding love.  For her I couldn't say much but listened to her.  It's just funny cuz I totally see myself in her shoes and now I see myself as the friend when I was going through her emotions.  I guess the story doesn't change it just changes hands with different perspectives huh?  For me now that I can empathize what she's going through I have no worries that in the end she will get over it and she will be ok and that she will find someone on her path, eventually.

It's been 1 Year!

First off where has the time been?????  I know I haven't been blogging since April.  I'm sorry been so busy with work and my so called life.  Man it's been 1 year today since I moved to this city.  It's been a quite a journey so far but the best decision I have made for myself in a long time.  I truly thank GOD for being there for me and holding my hand along the way.  I went to this new city blindly but had strong faith that I had nothing to lose.  I left my past behind me and yearned for my future in this new city and I have to say I have finally found a new home all on my own.  My family and friends were nothing but great support and for that I know they are never too far from my heart.  It's so weird and surreal just talking out loud sharing what I did to others and how easy and at peace I was just doing this.  I tell people so freely what I did moving to a big city with no definite plans.  Yet everything worked out better than I had expected.  I'm truly blessed.  And it's just a reminder how much GOD is good and how much you have to have faith in yourself and GOD will lead the path of making that happen.  If it's truly meant to be the universe will make a way for you.  It may not be in favor of your timing but trust me it will happen.  I'm living proof.  With that my friends always have GOD on your mind and thank him every day of the blessings he has given you.  Looking forward to more blogging, now that I have more time to get back to me.........

I need an apology

I need to hear you say it.  I need you to acknowledge the fact you were wrong and acting a fool.  And the fact you may be bipolar.  Your acknowledgment may be a start to your life and possibility of rekindling our friendship.  I can't pretend what happened between us didn't happen.  The fact you were immature and couldn't talk to me make me feel so low and that I did something beyond wrong.  The way you behaved and said you didn't want to say anything you regret would make things worse.  WTF did I do to make you feel that way and what the hell did I do in the last 90 minutes to make your blood pressure boil.  Ok we both may have had drinks but I know myself and the nature I may be so I for darn sure I wouldn't do anything vicious or conniving to hurt anyone especially people I care about.  So for you to be upset has to be deeper than what happened.  If you're going to blame me please take a look at yourself before you blame your pain and hurt.  The last thing I want for anyone to endure is to know I was part of their pain and hurt.  I just want you to acknowledge whatever happened between us will not happen again.  I suppose theirs no guarantee to that but at least a start to our friendship and misunderstanding is to understand ourselves first.  Please I'm open and want to learn how I can be a better person to establish a better friendship between us.  But for you to pretend time will heal things is just time prolonged.  We need to get to the root because we can all pretend nothing happen but in the back of my mind my walls are up and I can't be genuine and true to you or me.  So if you want us to get back to where we started I need to know you know that I know this is something that can't be let go so easily.  So please let's not fake the funk by letting steam cool off because the steam may have left but burns can leave scars for a long long time.  The truth is I don't know if I'm ready to rekindle our friendship.

Dam you Walt Disney

A girlfriend of mine from work cracked me up the other day.  She's 40 years old still fabulous but single with no kids never been married.  We talk all the time about relationships and her history of guys.  I categorize her as my age group because she still looks young but dang she has 10 years on me and she's very wise and experienced of course.  Sometimes I forget.  Anyways what struck me is she still believes in her Prince Charming.  She blames it on Walt Disney is what she called it.  The fairy tale the handsome guy coming to save her on a white horse.  I said you don't mean that literally do you cuz first off that's impossible to find a white horse anywhere lmao.  Ok bad joke.  Anyways she truly does believe in it and it amazes me especially at her age.  I'm sorry 40 is like if it hasn't came yet honey ya missed somewhere in the back.  I'm sure there were eligible men that crossed her path that she could of jumped the band wagon with.  She's very attractive, easy going gal so I'm sure having a random date wouldn't even be a problem for her.  Then I said you must be really really picky to continue waiting for someone.  She said no not really just an honest all around good guy.  She said she's very traditional when it comes to being courted and a man being a man and all.  I understand that I'm sure it's not hard to find.  Keep in mind yall she's not Black and she's not checking for Black men.  Sad to say but her chances are really high to find someone on her caliber now that we cleared that issue.  So back to being courted and having a gentleman treat her like a lady is great but the catch is she's not giving it up either.  She is holding on to the cookie till that guy gives her the commitment.  That's her Price Charming!  The one who will wait and still be solely in love with her.  WOW!  Yeh good luck with that.  Not to sound pessimistic as I responded to her ideals but I asked in general do you know any men who would be that kind of guy.  She said yes she does....ok and have you dated them?  Her response oh they're married, in a relationship etc.  Ok do you know any single men who you think would wait?  And still she said yes but for some reason I still didn't get a clear answer as to why she wasn't interested in them.  Yes the dating game in this 21st century wasn't like it use to be.  But is she just in lala land?  or is it ok to believe because maybe as the story goes dreams do come true?  I was struck by her ideals but I can't fault her for it.  I suppose to dream big is better than living in a nightmare with someone you slightly care for.  To each is own but I think in general the experiences we have and the growth from those experiences helps us to be a little bit wiser and more practical on what to look for and I guess the Magic of God's timing will make it happen, that's what I believe.

Matters of the heart

It's so cliche to hear that phrase all the time,"living in the moment" when you start thinking about your future.  Dating can be a fun experience with someone you're actually interested in. However,  in time and after time your exchanges elevates to a new level of establishing something more meaningful.  Well for me it's becoming more meaningful.  Meaningful in a sense that I'm looking for more, something a bit more significant than ordinary dating.  Someone to just care for and someone to care for me in exchange.  It's not much to ask of anyone but it does matter on who you are your asking it from and how much value of your time is it all worth to bargain your heart for.  But how much heart should one give before one can even establish something meaningful.  It's a catch 22 because where should you start, from the heart or wait for something meaningful in order to give your heart?  I'm torn because my heart doesn't open up so easily when my past relationships haven't taken my heart seriously.  It is hard to bounce back from something like that.  And to be honest it is so true that there's no remedy to relieve such a broken heart other than time.  Time is everything and everything has nothing but time on it.  What's even funny is time eventually has an expiration date as well.  But that's another debate.  I guess my time has come up to move on which I have but I guess the real question is, do I have enough time to go through it all again?  To go through the courting and falling stage only to possibly face the unknown, that things may not go well in the long run.  It's a scary feeling to have.  Oh my it's scary.  I'm scared to enjoy the catching moments that brought me back to when I was happy only to foresee what the bad may lie in the future.  I guess no one will ever know until you experience it.  It's all a risk, its always risk.  But the grand question of it all to me is, is it worth my time to have my heart open for something more meaningful or is HE worth to have my heart hurt again.  I suppose if it didn't hurt then it didn't matter to begin with right? I'm not sure if there's a method to save your heart and to say you're in love is there?

Unnecessary information?

I had a humbling experience yesterday with a male friend of mine.  I guess because he was straight forward and said how he felt a few minutes after our incident.  I knew he was upset by his reaction.  Here's the story.  I joined him for an early dinner yesterday because we planned to go somewhere else later in the evening.  While we were having dinner he was also expecting to meet another gal to join us for drinks.  Ok that's fine he's done that before and it's cool.  So you know me being friendly and sociable as I am, she and I were chatting.  Typical conversation so how did you meet so and so.  She responds with a gush laugh that she met him online.  I said "oh wow I'm not surprised he meets a lot of people online, I suppose that's how he knows so many people".  That was it didn't think nothing of it.  To me it was just a casual conversation maybe me talking out loud but I was saying in a playful manner.  Later into our conversation as my male friend joined us she instantly said out loud in a teasing manner "so I hear you meet a lot of people online".  We both laughed and he instantly looked at me and walked away.  We both were questioning why was he upset.  He stepped away for a while and she questioned if she offended him and I took it as maybe he didn't want you to know that...for whatever reason they are if they were friends or more or any potential interest.  From her perspective she brought it up cuz maybe deep down she was questioning how many people does he meet online and from his perspective he didn't want her to think he meets a lot of women online, in which he truly does.  I'm a witness to that.  Anyways that's not the point...I see his issue between us because it wasn't my place to share unnecessary information for whatever it may be.  He immediately text me and said "We are going to have to stop hanging.  Some things are better left unsaid".  From that I knew he was upset.   I had to confront him because the last thing I need to do is have this awkward tension between us.  He said that I've been sharing a lot of unnecessary information and he's been hearing it coming from me.  Ok first off I don't talk about him like that...if anything I say nothing but nice comments where I've stuck up for him.  But somehow the females he's hearing story from are misconstruing the story and pointing out the negative issues to him.  But you know what...he can't even blame the issues with me because what I don't understand is why he keeps bringing females he meets around me.  I don't get it!  It's like I'm his wing man to get girls so the women can see he's a nice guy because someone like me is friend's with him.  I'm starting to see his angle.  Yes he is a great resource to know because he has introduced me to great people and great parties but in a way I suppose it's a even split amongst our friendship.  Maybe we're using each other I don't know.  But my intention with him has always been honest that I do value his friendship and maybe the added benefit is because he knows people but I never looked at him on becoming his friend because of that.  He is overall a genuine good person.  But I'm not sure what added benefit he gets by hanging out with me ...I suppose closing the deal with chicks.  What I don't get is now I need to start becoming conscience on what unnecessary information is....clearly little things to me means a lot to someone else.  I think it would be easier if guys stop playing games and making it complicated than what it needs to be.  Unfortunately I'm stuck in the middle.  Anyways we had a heart to heart talk yesterday and maybe I do need to keep things to myself when I'm introduced to new people about someone else because it seems like me sharing harmless unnecessary information is clearly doing damage to his reputation?

Bikram Yoga is no joke

Ok I took the class over the weekend.  I got the instructions of staying hydrated, no heavy meals before the class etc.  Yeh well that still didn't prepare me for the exhausting never ending class I experienced.  I was instantly drenched in sweat the moment I walked into the room.  I never sweated that much in my life and I'm from AZ lol.  I didn't mind the sweat though.  I actually liked it.  Some of the postures had me a bit nauseous and dissy.  I couldn't keep standing up and sitting down so easily.  I thought I was hydrated but I guess not.  I couldn't finish the course but I sat it out.  Actually I sat it out the next day as well.  Man people in that class were a bit intimidating.  Some of the men were in speedos in slim fit shape.  Especially this old man my goodness I had to look at him with amazement.  The women were practically naked.  Small yoga shorts and sports bra.  Shesh if I had their body I suppose I wouldn't want to wear anything either.  After the class I still had to just lay out and chill and some of the students stuck around to do their own thing.  I sat in awe watching this women doing all kinds of aerobic balancing yoga moves.  She was doing hand stands/poses for minutes.  Her body was amazing and the way she flowed had me mesmerized.  The human body is actually a beautiful art work. I saw several moves that had me staring.  Just imagine me in the corner staring at this chick.  All I wanted to do is eat a burger NOT lol.  Anyways there was no way I could get to her level but hey I'm good doing my own plan...whatever that is.  I guess getting back to the basics is my plan before I lose track of my weight and never get back to my cute dresses.  Anyways the course it self wasn't too bad now that I got the hang of it on the 2nd day.  The cool thing is the class follows the same routine for each class so once you get the routine down pact there's no surprises.  It's all about practicing and mastering the "asanas" (postures).  I did stick to 2 consecutive days. Now I need to is to find my balance so I don't get exhausted and discouraged.  But so far I enjoy the class.  I plan to take it till end of May then I'll see where my money is at ;)

Why can't women be like men sometimes

Growing up when I was younger I would say I was more like a tomboy.  I was always outside playing with other kids in my neighborhood boys and girls.  We would play hide and seek, kick ball, tetherball, tell ghost stories, go swimming, tag.  All the activities kids would be involved in.  I was so active, I didn't think about boys.  I did have crushes since 3rd grade but I wasn't girly girl about it.  When I liked a boy my interest in him was to do what he liked to do.  We race each other, play tag, or climb a tree.  I wasn't looking at the mushy things on dressing up or kissing.  I just wasn't there yet.  So my mentality as a young child never really panned on how girls can be....catty, jealous, possessive, territorial etc.  I wasn't really into girl groups or having a click so to speak on girls dressing up, wearing certain kinds of clothes, even talk alike.  I may have a few girl friends1 or 2 besties the most that we all get along.  If I were in any certain kind of girl group it would be because my friends brought their besties and it would be then a girls night kinda thing.  But for the most part I never really had too many girlfriends to hang with.  Most of the time I had at least one guy I can kick or one guy to tag along with if I were to go on an outing with my girls.  Anyways now that I left a back drop into hanging with females it just never surprises me how a girl/woman can be sometimes, especially when it comes to men.  If  I were to hang out with my female friend and invite a guy to tag along for some reason the dynanmic would change.  My guy friend is just a guy who enjoys hanging out with the company of women.  Ok I get that.  I don't think he's looking for any type of attention or even looking to hook up.  There may be occasional flirting which happens with the opposite sex but nothing more.  We are all friends enjoying each other's company.  That's how I took it and that's how he took it so for some reason my friend had to be the center of attention and try to peek his interest some how.  Ok that's great and all but is it really necessary to be like that.  If the shoe were on the other foot and I was the third wheel and my girl happened to invite a male friend of her's whos cool, I would of been cool.  I wouldn't act weird or feel like there was any awkardnees.  It would just be a genuine good time from what I see.  But for her she had to act a fool and embarrass me in front of him.  He was even like what's up with your girl.  I didn't get it and what's worse is because she wasn't having fun she wanted to have a hissy fit and ruin the night by wanting to go home.  Keep in mind we carpooled.  It's a mess all around and I had to collect this as to why she was behaving this way.  I spoke with my male friends and it's sad and I tend to agree how females can be.  If one isn't getting attention or having fun or jealous to know someone to know someone as fine as he is she will play her insecure card by ruining it for others.  The only thing she did in my eyes is made herself look like a fool, made me look at her differently, and had my male friend question what's really up with her.  I swear this incident felt like highschool and I'm so over hanging out with females who don't have their own confidence and security.  My guy friend said this..."Men don't act like that, we're not competitive as females are when it comes to the opposite sex.  If we see a female and a guy is interested we encourage them to go for it.  Women would manipulate and back stab and compete for the next man by smiling in her face and taking him behind your back.  At least for men we may do it in front of you if there's no one's claimed, and plus we're doing our boys a favor cuz that chick was no good in the first place.  It's all about respect and it seems like females don't have that respect.  They only care for themselves. Us men we encourage each other, bring each other up and show them how to get there.  Women their all out for themselves.  Their motive is to get a man and that's her world to them."  I do see what he's saying...there may be some bitterness on his end but I understand the gist of his point.  Maybe I'm naive to the game.  But I never had that in my nature to think like that.  It's hard to make female friends like that too, who's confident in her own skin and not the insecure type who's my age.  Talking to older women is a refresher cuz the truth is they're not out there to compete.  They have that mentality like they've been there done that, don't have time attitude.   I didn't mind bringing my male and female friends together but somehow it always seems to become an awkward situation.  I guess maybe for me a lesson learned is to stop bringing my single male friends and my single female friends together, cuz woman who may be attracted to someone don't know how to act.

You have nothing to lose by knowing someone new

Ok several weeks ago I was introduced to a guy by a male friend of mine.  He thought we both would hit off.  He doesn't know him personally per say but they know each other from around the way.  He introduced us and my instant thought is damn he's FINE.  Off  the bat I thought eh there has to be a catch as to why he's single.  Sorry that is my pessimistic attitude but look lets save time by being shrewd a little bit.  Anyways I didn't sweat him nor was I interested in pursuing him so we both had our small talk and I went about my business.  Later that evening he text me that night because my friend gave him my number.  I'm actually getting annoyed with people trying to hook me up like it's a project for them but none the less I'm not complaining.  Weeks go by and we've been talking back and forth here and there whenever we can catch up.  He finally spills the beans and tells me some information he thought I should know "He's recently divorced and has 2 kids".  I was in straight silence.  It wasn't the shock value....maybe because I really wasn't attached and didn't know much about him, but my first thought was how old are you? and you been married how long?  I had no clue he's lived a fulfilled life.  I thought he was my age or younger.  I should of guess when he said where he lived in the suburbia part of town I should figure married life in those cities.  Anyways  he wanted to know how I felt and I said "feeling is not the word" I'm just more like well nice knowing you is more like it.  Honestly I said, "we are both on two different pages and it would be best if we're just friends". Just to be nice but in the back of my head I have enough friends.  He was cool with it agreed it's best that way, the last thing he wants to do is hurt anyone.  The last thing I want to do is waste my time. Anyways after that phone call I figured it was the last of whatever it was.  Few hours goes by and calls me back because he said he would and thought it was cool that we can be friends because that's what he really needs he said.  We whined up talking for hours and when I hung up my thought was okay?  I did enjoy our conversation, it was flowing and we had a lot in common.  We shared similar tastes and interest.  I took it as if I have nothing to lose by knowing someone new.  It actually made us open up more and share things like normal friends compared to someone new you're dating.  I don't know but talking to someone does make your day/evening worth the time just by sharing stories.

Day 10: Master Cleanse

Yay my day is finally over.  I have to say overall I lost 8lbs.  I can't tell by looking at myself if I lost it but I do feel it in my clothes.  Actually I did notice my butt smaller urgh gotta work on that.  I'm excited to start finding healthier recipes and look into cooking more.  Being on this cleanse diet wasn't hard at all as far as your body going through the changes.  There were no symptoms or any weakness to it.  The only hard part was the temptation, the desire to eat, the smell of food, missing the taste of food was pretty difficult.  I did lose my cravings for sweets which is good.  I'll see where my cravings lye tomorrow but I'm suppose to tread lightly before I make my jump back into the eating world.  My discipline really did kick in to gear and what's cool is my friends were supportive and cheered me on so I had to prove myself and to others I can do this.  I am motivated to know that I can stay committed.  Next stop Bikram Yoga....

Day 6: Master Cleanse

Ok day 6 is making me more anxious for day 10 to arrive.  I'm starting to think of food a lot.  I swear I can eat 3 juicy burgers, a nice lean steak, and an omelet lol.  The smell of it makes me appreciate food even more.  Urgh I can't go back now. It's too late and I have 4 more days to go.  I hope I can handle it this weekend because I will have nothing but time on my hands.  I need to stay busy.  I have noticed how conscience I am without food too.  The other day I was overwhelmed at work and my first thought was food and thinking about grabbing something to eat.  I noticed that when I start to stress or feel pressured I run to food to comfort me.  It's pretty interesting.  I also noticed that I haven't craved any sweets.  No interest in sweets at all because usually around late afternoon I need sugar in my system.  Maybe the sweetness of the syrup in my drink is supporting that.  Hmn so far I have lost weight 4 lbs to b exact.  That's a plus and I definitely noticed it with my clothes I'm starting to fit comfortably and better in my size.  Before I felt the tight squeeze coming in so I knew I had to take control of this situation.  Lately the last several days hasn't been tough for me.  It seems like the last couple of days will be for me cuz my patience is being tested.  I do want this to be over but at the same time I'm content.  I haven't felt different being on this diet which is a good thing.  I say to really stick to this plan is discipline not think too much about being on it and don't tease yourself by surrounding by food, other than that this should be a breeze.  The added benefit is you will be much healthier and lose weight at the same time.  But I do love food so all good things done in moderation.....moving forward.

Music takes us back......into time

I went to see Kem perform live the other day.  He's just an amazing song writer and singer.  I mean if you actually listened to his songs you would think man he knows love.  The good love and the heartache love.  Just the way he sings it which such passion and sincerity in his voice is something I can feel.  I definitely felt it.  I felt it when I looked back to that place you once went through and where you're at now.  Sometimes I discount the past like maybe it wasn't real because I don't feel that now.  Oh God how I'm wrong.  But had I gone back to that place if I were living it now my goodness I would of had a break down.  His songs back then was my therapy when I was going through my emotions.  Listening to him live just brought me back.  Honestly I appreciate it more just by reminiscing.  I was in this trance listening to his songs going back into time watching myself popping in his CD.  I didn't even think about the bad times I was thinking overall in that period of my life when I was in school, working, living with my roommates, going out to parties, having get togethers, stalking boyfriends lol.  It was just a nice reminder of where I use to be.  I had this beautiful awakening bliss that made me more grateful and sometimes miss back then.  Hearing him live made be feel more alive than ever.  Oh man music is a necessity in our lives for real.  Just imagine without it.

Day 1: Master Cleanse

Ok I started feeling something with my body.  I can't say I had hunger pains but I was craving food if that makes sense.  Any smell of food or talks of going out and having drinks just made me feel it more and more.  Man I can't believe how much free time you have not eating.  It's such a habit to go in the kitchen and grab something.  I almost caught myself grabbing a snack just for the heck of it and I wasn't even hungry.  Even  if you're not planning on eating or drinking going out seems weird.  Anyways later in the evening I was starting to get a headache and a bit tired.  I took the Saltwater flush to start accelerate the cleansing process and boy the minute I drunk it 15 mins later my bowels were on a go.  It was a weird feeling but the cleansing process is working.  I felt a lot better after that too. I did wake up in the middle of the night cuz of hunger pains so I did drink water and went back to sleep.  Today I woke up and feel refreshed made my juice and on to day 2.  So far day 1 wasn't too bad.

10 Day Master Cleanse

Ok folks today I started my master cleanse diet before I begin my Bikram Yoga regimen.  I'm thinking about signing up for their 60 day commitment program their offering too hmnnn.   I don't know that may be too much pressure for me.  Anyways I figured before I start off heavily working out with the heat and all I should try to cleanse my insides before I work on my outsides.  I don't know but I'm starting  to look into finding natural ways on eating and finding creative ways to cook with less processed foods.  Not that I have before but now I'm looking into changing my whole lifestyle and stack up on natural necessities instead of buying whatever.  I guess what I'm saying is I'll be more conscience on what I'm eating.

So today I started my 10 day cleanse.  This diet consists of lemon, syrup, cayenne pepper, and water.  Prior to that I've been eating light to prepare my body for the strict liquid diet.  Meaning no food, no drinks (only water).  I have to say the drink doesn't taste bad at all.  So that's a plus, I can drink this all day.  Right now my body doesn't feel weird at all.  It feels normal, no agitation, hunger pains, light headed, nothing that I would imagine when I usually feel hungry.  That was my main concern but so far so good.  I don't have any cravings which helps because my fridge is practically empty too.  I don't feel tired or over energized either.  I just drank the juice two hours ago so maybe not much impact yet but I have started using the restroom early.  I can't tell yet if that's from my diet or normal use.  But I have to say so far so good so let the countdown begin.  I'll keep you  posted on how my 10 day cleanse is working for me.

One month into my journey

Ok the last two weekends have been such a blast I haven't had a chance to reflect on my goals.  Right now I'm slowly dreading going into work preparing taxes.  Ugh I actually look forward to the day ending when it's so slow, yes it's so sad.  Honestly a lot has to do with partying all weekend and then going to work it's hurting my energy.  I'm realizing I am just getting older and drinking and staying up late is not helping.  Oh well it's all worth it.  But I am sticking through it.  I'm in lust right now....I met an attractive Nigerian MAN.  I don't know maybe I'm starting to have a type....Oh my he's so tempting and charming and just the right call for what I need.  I don't know why GOD put people into your lives when you are so not looking or ready for.  I guess that saying is true.  I can't keep lusting for him but he's so yummy!  That's whats throwing me off track because I did say no men....He is the kind of guy that fit's my description of a man physically.  Everything about his physic is perfect.  Now I know when someone is physically attractive how much you just can't resist touching their body.  Keep in mind he does not have a super model body, it's not even like that.  It's just his overall big tall figure that makes me feel safe, and warm, and so feminine.  The way he picks me up makes me feel so comfortable I could cuddle with him all day. I need to get a grip and slow down.  I don't want to get thrown off track on what I'm trying to accomplish.  I will try to maintain a strong friendship with him before anything leads to any confusion for me.   I will continue to live in the moment but goodness I'm falling into temptation.  I wonder how long our friendship will last.......

Privacy

I was reading a fellow Blogger's page about maintaining privacy and I so need that.  Lately when I get excited and want to share stuff with my colleagues and friends the more follow up questions are being asked and confusing thoughts start to linger.  Especially with my colleagues.  It's becoming a back lash for me and I'm getting seriously annoyed.  I can't really blame them but then again how silly are they to come up with insulting questions.  I'm starting to think they may think of me different or that they find me humorous and want to get entertained on what I may tell them next.  It's killing me and I know I started it so now I need to set the tone for their nuisances.  It's nothing deep per say but it's more of me telling them about my dates or how I met someone etc.  What kills me is they will ask me everyday, so have you heard from so and so, or did you go out this weekend have you met anyone, or are you bumbed he didn't call, did you really like him.  It's like people it's not that serious and I'm only sharing it with you for small talk humor.  Lets not draw it out like there's more to it, if there's more maybe I'll tell you maybe I wont.  But gees you don't see me asking how your marriage is going am I?  I know I need to start keeping it to myself.  But then the questions become what's wrong did someone not call you this week? I'm going to blow up and be like it's none of your F*** business.  But no I will be the bigger person and I have this week by responding to their answers short and saying I don't know what my plans are and that yes I did have a good weekend.  I chilled and hung out with good people.  That's it! How about yours?  Of course they keep it short as well.  I know my personality tends to talk about things maybe too much in detail and folks become more interested.  I can't help it if my stories are more engaging than theirs.  I am the only single gal in my group so there are more stories to tell.  But I need to keep things to myself now because I'm starting to resent it all and it's coming back to me at the expense of my life experiences because they are a bit personal and I'm taking their comments personal. Now that I see how it's affecting me maybe I do need to just keep it to myself and maintain the professionalism at work the way it should be. 

*Note to self:  Keeping your personal life private is a start to keeping your thoughts and emotions in lined and gaining a better grasp of knowing yourself without outside influence.

Sometimes you just have to say it and let it out

Ok as silly as it sounds I still need to hear it.  So Mr. and I broke up well not exactly it's more of no one is calling each other and yet there's no hard feelings nor explanation as to what went wrong but somehow it's over.  What's killing more is that I don't have an answer for what happened.  I'd really, really just want to know so I can stop thinking about it.  I tend to have a habit of analyzing or maybe it's my nature.  I am and honestly past it but to walk away as if nothing happened is just not enough for me.  How would I explain to the next person what happened to so so ...or on my 2nd date with a stranger to explain what happened in my so called relationships.  How does this sound to say the last real relationship I had was in 2002.  And the greatest love of my life couldn't call me his girlfriend.  WTF! What does that look like and so my explanation for the last 9 years were just hook ups.  My GOD this really looks bad now that it's written out.  I guess I can't revert to what happened last because nothing really happened I suppose?  But then again we did have a long consistent courtship where we did share quality time and genuinely enjoyed each other's company.  Heck I even got a xmas gift from him and for him to walk away as if we just had our first date kinda stings.  And what's worse is this sting doesnt' just spark so abruptly its the sting that lasts slowly the more you think about what went wrong.  I know I shouldn't be spending my time dwelling on it but I just can't figure out what went wrong.  I keep thinking it may be me and I can probably guess to an extent maybe me but for him to walk away and never call ........ Ok I'm exaggerating he does check on me.  But clearly it's not the same. It's kinda like getting a needle shot you just want it done and over with.  You know what to expect and you're faced to deal with the pain.  Well what about the slow moving shot that just lingers after the pain has gone.  Like the fact that he couldn't be vocal about anything yet he was so kind and gentle and sweet however, this whole time he was planning to dump your ass.  He knew he had to give up while you were thinking things were getting better.  Matter of fact you're thinking about taking things to the next level when his level was leaving your ass.  "Breathe" Yes I know let it go.  I am letting it go but now I'm back to square one again getting to know me....right how much longer do I need to know that I'm tired of this ish.  Ugh I'm back to being bitter again.  Ok he can't do this to me no no no.  Ok now I'm pyscho babbling.  Anyways It's just, if a guy were a jerk we can easily pin point it out and know it clear as day because he showed it blatantly to your face.  Well the one's who are kind and do care for your feelings and are gentle about it is only messaging the pain even more.  Either way pain is pain and it all hurts in the end however you put it.  At least if I'm mad I can move on faster.  I guess what I'm saying is just give me the shot and I'll eventually face the truth.  But I guess it's a catch 22 because once I face the truth at least there's forgiveness down the road.  There should be forgiveness regardless but that's another story.  But if he is a jerk I can uphold that he is a true jerk and no way would I ever talk to him ever again..he's just not a good person.  I guess in summary there's no right way to break up with someone is there?  Straight and fast or slow and gentle?  Whew well I feel a lot better letting this out with this beer in my hand, music playing, bout to cuddle under the covers doing me ....literally.

No more happy endings?

I had a long weekend this week because of MLK on Monday so I really didn't have much plans, hence long weekend.  With that I had a lot of time to catch up on my movies.  I saw a total of 6 movies this weekend.  One included the theatre, the rest were Redbox and Netflix.  From my Netflix collection I happened to rent two sappy love movies.  I'm sorry, I'm a sucker for romance.  These two movies were not actually what I expected at all.  I rented "Remember me" and "Adam".  Not to give away the ending but I gotta say it wasn't the typical love story that happy endings occur.  Maybe in our generation today it's more of being practical about love and facing the truth, that not all love story ends with a happy ending.  I was kinda bummed.  The stories were moving and you did see the struggle and passion for love that they portrayed.  Heck I still teared.  But sometimes maybe the struggle we experience in relationships may not be the right relationship but that relationship shouldn't be discredited at all. Regardless of what kind of relationship it may be, someone will always be affected by one's action.  Both movies did move me because there was the heartache, the forgiveness, understanding, passion, kindness that we see in these relationships and it's something that we all should take from it.  Hopefully in the next relationship it won't be so hard and maybe in the next relationship we can look forward to that happy ending.  And maybe more happy endings....in movies?

My confirmation

So I went out to happy hour Friday at my favorite happy hour spot.  I'm pretty much a regular there but regular to me is every other month it seems like.  Actually I haven't gone lately because I was dating someone for a couple of months.  Matter of fact it may be my favorite spot for the fact I meet a lot of guys there.  It's so hard to mix leisure with pleasure but hey he was an exception and only exception because obviously what we had didn't last and I know I will see his ass there again.  Ugh I already had this dreaded feeling Friday that I may run into his ass.  Thank God it didn't happen.....yet I know it's only a matter of time.  Anyways I planned on meeting my male friend up there but he was running late.  I refuse to miss happy hour so I went there waiting for him alone.  I walked around the bar looking for a seat and it happened to be next to an attractive guy.  This was my perspective from the back because all I saw was muscles and a nice shiny bald head.  As I tapped him twice with no response I said "excuse me is this seat taken" he said "no help yourself, it's all you."  We both had a big smile and that was it.  The moment I sat down to get adjusted the women from across the bar was looking right at us..maybe more at me as if I planned to make a bold move.  I suppose they were checking him out and I really didn't look at him, look at him.  Anyways my drank came in and his conversation kept flowing.  I even talked to his older gentlemen to my left who was from Denmark and my ignorant ass had no clue Denmark was a country lmao.  I thought it was somewhere in Oregon under my Bud light buzz lmao.  Anyways I'm cool, things were cool and he was starting to look more attractive just based on our conversation.  He was asking all the right questions actually very detailed personal questions like boyfriend, age....especially when I didn't get that vibe he was interested maybe I didn't give that vibe either.  Either way it was a genuine conversation.  And to top it all he was mixed with Filipino just like me.  I was in awwh.  Cuz it's just very rare and knowing he's mixed with the same race just opened a new window of really getting to know this guy.   I'm thinking man something could really hit off here.  But I stopped myself.  I didn't want to jump the gun of getting excited and getting my hopes up etc.  I been down this route before and I just don't want to be labeled as the happy hour hooch.  But I did have a nice conversation with him and he did ask for my number.  To be continued.....(I know I said no boys in my last blog but he will be a future platonic friend)  Anyways after that another woman took his seat and sat next to me.  My friend finally came by and he automatically started flirting with her.  She whined up telling us her whole life story which comes to find out she's older 42 to be exact.  She said something that struck me and I took her comment seriously.  When she told us her age we were shocked and complimented her and she said she had her daughter who is now 3 years old.  She never thought in her life that she would bare a child but she did wish she had done all the things she wanted to do before she was born.  She thought she had all the time she needed to do the things she wanted and pooop here comes a baby.  To her that's all her blessings now but for a random stranger to share that with us (mainly me) was my confirmation. 

Discipline, Patience, and Commitment

Ok I reverted back from my last post about relationships, which I said I wasn't going to dwell in, and see it happens again.  For me, this time I will focus on 3 areas for 2011 that I want to work on for myself.

1. Discipline.  I tend to procrastinate and brush things off by doing whatever I feel.  I need to stop that and just focus and stick to it.

2. Patience.  I hear it more and more how I want something to happen so bad to where I force it to happen and then I get disappointed when it doesn't happen so I need to just let things flow naturally.

3. Commitment.  I think once I master (somewhat habit) the two items above it will help me stay committed easily.  I won't procrastinate as much and hopefully I stick to my goals.

I know I sound so convincing right now.  The truth is if  I were to say I'm doing something, the more of the opposite will happen.  So the best bet for me, at least, is this thought out plan and give myself credit for trying.  Hey trying is the first step than giving up, which in my mind is automatic failure.  So right now failure is not an option.

With that being said, I have 12 months to set up a plan on how to accomplish these characteristics.  I believe for anyone to truly gain an understanding of who they are, one must go through something outside their comfort zone.  Whatever challenge that may be, it is how you respond to that situation that will help you build your character and eventually make you a better person and the world a better place.

I have listed out my goals above on what I want to build for myself  for me to find my happiness.  In order for me to achieve that I set out three circumstances to help me get there.

1.  I have already started to commit myself to taking this tax course for a week everyday after work.  Let's just say it's been a long long seven days.  After this course I will be working part time on the weekends and maybe once a week preparing tax returns.  I will mainly be working with low income families who may not speak English at times.  This will go on till mid April.  By then I should be able to learn how to build my discipline with my full time work and my weekend job dealing with people all day.  Let's see how strong my discipline will hold.  It shouldn't be too bad but I already see myself quitting possibly by mid March at the rate of dealing with people.

2.  I will be committed to doing Bikram Yoga for 3 months 3 days a week.  I love Yoga already but to do it in 100 degree temperature will be very very challenging.  I decided to do this because 1. I want to lose 15lbs., nothing dramatic just want to be more toned and 2. just not up for the rigorous exercise.  I want something calming and simple yet effective in all the right places.  Plus Yoga is very spiritual along with meditation so this course will help me build the patience I need in my life.  I hear it all the time Patience, Patience and now I realize that if I don't enjoy this moment today, I can see my future longing for the past.  So I need to work on this!

3.  After my Yoga which I will stick through for the rest of my life but it won't be as rigorous in prior months because I will do it less frequent each week.  Is to stay committed to something.  I tend to want to do everything and all things and yet the minute I start I already want to quit.  I brush things off and procrastinate and justify my reasons by doing things later.  I flake off engagements with other folks because I can't say no sometimes.  I just need to find something I can stick to.  So around my 30th birthday I will challenge myself to go to another country learning a foreign language and commit myself to something I'm not familiar with and to get involve in something I've never been exposed to.  This journey will help me stay committed because one I can't leave that easily and two It's costing me a pretty penny to do this and three I want to see how far I can go with myself.  How much can I handle and how much can I embrace this journey.

This 3rd challenge may be the hardest for me to embrace but once I mastered the 2 goals above it will prepare me to go into this journey with an open mind and a balanced state of mind as well.

With that being said through out this journey there will be no distractions for me.  Meaning no MEN!  No going out drinking to find men, no flirting with men, wait take that back all the flirting I want because nothing will happen afterwards.  I use to miss that when it was so much fun when they couldn't have you lol.

To my friends this year I will be documenting this journey and the people I run across that will help me think and observe the universe around me.  So let the journey begin!

The reason you love him

My girlfriend and I actually had this epiphany when someone asked us both the same question (different time and place) as to why we like this person.  Her answer "he has good work ethic" lmao dont kill me and my answer was "because there's no reason not to".  If our guys heard us say that in front of them it would break their hearts.  It's not much of the warm and fuzzies you would want your partner to say nor hear from.  So the real question is ....is there really a good answer?  I explored my emotions and reasons as to why I like him.  I can't really pin point to say that he does this for me, or he makes feel like this, or he bought me this etc.  It's not much what I'm looking for in a partner and I can say those warm and fuzzies of giving me butterflies and making me feel warm at night is not enough.  I'm not leaning towards a partner providing me with financial security (to an extent) but also not looking for the emotion of making me feel whole.  I'm currently still working on getting to find my own happiness so the last thing I need is to find someone to make me happy for me to feel complete.  But I guess my answer as to why I like him is not currently defined right now but it's enough to say he got my attention for the time being and I suppose the real answers will be ready when we're ready for the real questions.

Curiosity killed the cat

My colleague was telling us her friend's situation about catching her husband having an affair.  She didn't directly catch him.  She came home early and overheard his conversation over the phone and it was very inappropriate for a married man to say to any woman.  She was in shock on what was happening.  She continued to stand by the door and her husband quickly hung up his cell phone the minute he heard something.  She didn't bring it up, played it cool and immediately called her girlfriend.  Later that night before they went to bed he took a shower and she was able to pull up the phone number of the female.  The next day she did further investigating on the woman and even had someone else call the woman just to make sure it was her.  My colleague was telling us how much she was getting into to find out more on what her husband was doing.  My colleague had a point, as to why go through all that torture if you're not ready to leave him.  She said, "why do you want to go through all the details of this woman and how they go about their business just to confirm he's cheating". Do we need actual proof to know your man's cheating?  She knows he's doing something wrong but she can't point it out  nor can she really start an argument without proof. We all have that intuition about something not feeling right and if it's something that is bothering I think we all should just confront it like mature adults.  But I was really struck on, what if he did admit to cheating and the marriage isn't what it's expected to be, are we really ready to face that reality of what can end.  I know tomorrow isn't guaranteed but to know that you at least have the comfort of coming home to a warm bed and a lovely home isn't something anyone wants to give up quickly.  She pointed out, why confront him, if you're not ready to leave. If not then maybe you should come at him with a different approach but to further investigate on what may be going on is only putting yourself through torture and that something can be more damaging than the problem itself which may not be fixable in the future.  Would you want to know?  If it were me I would at least let him know I can't be disrespected and let him know something is up.  But I don't think I would want to know the details.  Like she said, "in time the truth will reveal itself but to go out and seek it, well you might just get burned"....I guess ignorance is bliss...until you become a blatant fool.