What I want

A friend of mine asked me last week what is it that I want in a man?  Typically question from a guy I have no interest in.  Not to toot my own horn or anything but Im getting the hint he's attracted to me.  He's a nice person.  Anyways I was hesitant to answer because I know how this goes with men.  They will compare themselves to my description and then say well I do that or Im that way etc.  Which is exactly what he did.

It's not an answer I really need him to hear because honestly it doesn't do justice for him to know.  Why does he need to know really?  Another question that's annoying from men, asks why Im single.  I'm starting to hate that question even though its a compliment.  I just want to scream to the world and say because guys are plain idiots! Seriously!

He looked at me with sincerity in his question and I looked at myself with this question and really thought about it.  Because I'm starting to think to where things really matter now and honestly I want to give myself a true reflective answer.  So at first I gave myself this list right, I described all the things I'm attracted to and what I know can make me happy etc.  I'm thinking my description has more depth to it not just the superficial answers I catch myself saying sometimes.

Then I realized you know what....as years gone by I have had those men, each one a notch up from the past men I dated.  All the things I wanted in a man I have honestly dated and had such a good time and bad times with.  I stopped and had this huge epiphany over me.  I said I can want them all I want and have them if I wanted to but the truth is none of them not one single person has loved me back or least to say wanted to be with me on a committed level in a long time.  So no bump this description of what I want.  What I truly want and need is a man who's ready and wants to love me!

Loneliness

I don't know if the feeling of loneliness is good for you.  I don't ever feel good being lonely.  Let me take that back there are times where I cherish my alone time, but to feel lonely I think is a sinking, depressing, and sad feeling that I get sometimes.

Honestly I feel more lonely when Im with someone who's not satisfying my desires.  I can be in a room full of people, surrounded by strangers and feel so alone, so small, so invisible.  Some of my amazing experiences on my last trip was shared mostly with complete strangers.  I couldn't feel the real true joy by myself.  I told someone as much as I should be happy, I don't feel the rush like I use to.  She said maybe because you're not sharing it with someone.  She's right.  I felt numb to the excitement.  I felt so sad on what I'm experiencing and all I could wish was to share this with someone, could be a friend as well.

Based on my personal experience  I find it to be true that no one or "I" can be truly happy without sharing your happiness with someone. Isn't that how relationships and friendships are built by sharing?

But you know what I know it's needed I know we all have to experience this alone.  Otherwise how else can we appreciate the time shared.