Closure

You can't drive ahead if you're looking through your rear view mirror.  As cliche as it sounds, this quote finally hit me.  As much as I've heard on ways to move on, words don't matter much when you're just not ready to face the truth.  You always think you've moved on from someone because you haven't seen each other or talked to one another for a long time so you figure you have moved on.  No.  It's just a cover up for yourself because deep down, you're still thinking about how he's doing, wondering where he's at, if he's dating someone, is he in a relationship, does he love her, does he do the same things he use to do with you that he does with her.  I'm sure one of these thoughts crossed you mind at some point.  It finally hit me, to where, you say to yourself, "you know what I'm tired of thinking about him".  I don't know why I still do but I do want an out.  Why haven't I got an out, where's my push?  My push has been to stay busy, to date others, to talk about it, compensate my time more at work, cry about it, to sleep away from my mind from thinking about him late at night.  I've done all these things and trust me it has helped but it only pushes my feelings further along.  Further along till time makes you face reality.  Being honest with myself is my reality at this point.  This whole time I've been convincing myself that I have moved on only puts me back to where I was at in the beginning trying to move on.  I know I can't move on if I keep holding to the past.  I know this! But this past where things were so good but lost on what went wrong.  This past of figuring out what went wrong and trying to fix it.  This past of hoping that maybe things have changed in the near future that one day God will answer your prayers and he will come back.  This past of knowing he will come back will be different and things will be better because yes you convinced yourself we are at different place and it is a different time.  This past has only brought me back........ when the whole world is moving forward and yet somehow I can't see it.  But you know what I finally found my lane again.  I see that lane very clear.  This lane is leading me to where I want to go.  Now that I know where I'm going there is one thing I must do for myself and for him.  I need to take this road alone and I need to let him know that I've been his passenger for too long.  I have to let him know how much he did mean to me.  It doesn't matter at this point how he feels about me or what went wrong.  What matters now is to take the high road on letting him know that our experience and how much he affected me is something I will never forget .  That's my closure to him.  Now the only thing for me to look back on is to say yes I did fall in love and that's that.

That dress

You're at the mall, not really to go shopping but something to do to get out the house.  The mall is always a fun escape because there's people around doing the same thing you're doing.  You can browse see what's new, try on clothes, pick up ideas for when you do want to purchase something in the future, daydreaming picturing yourself having that one expensive item one day, or just curious to see the prices on things.  You continue to walk around and browse and there's this one shop that's going out of business.  Everything 85% off!  I'm talking about cute clothes too to where there's so much to choose from you don't even know what to pick.  What's worse is there's only one of it's kind left so whatever you're looking for is it.  What you see is what you get.  What a bummer when things are too good to be true because when it does come up, best believe you're not the only one who notices.  But see you did happen to walk by when the guy put the sign out, so you are the first to notice.  You go in thinking ok I know I wasn't planning to purchase anything major.  If anything you may come out with a shirt that was on sale that you budgeted for.  But you're thinking in your head, ok depends on what it is because I wasn't planning on spending much.  You look around there's so much cute stuff but even after the sales price, it's still a little over priced for you.  You continue to look and look and my gosh there it is.  This dress you happen to notice hanging on the wall.  Of course it's one of it's kind and that dress is calling your name.  You just know how gorgeous it is and how cute you will be in it and how much compliments you'll get when everyone sees you in this beautiful dress.  You just got to have it!  At this point you don't even care about the other items are in the store.  Besides you did breeze through the racks twice and nothing pinned you ....until you looked up.  So you definitely know for sure there's nothing else that you want.  You just know how this dress will make you feel.  The sales clerk brings the dress down and tells you the price.  Your mouth dropped.  "Even after the sales discount, it's still that much?"  No way you're thinking that price? but then again of course a dress like that is rare to find it's definitely one of a kind.  The quality it's made from does explain a lot after you justify to yourself.  Hmn you think, ok well at least let me try just to see how I look.  You try the dress on and it's a bit snugly, matter a fact you need help to make the dress fit.  Finally after sucking in your breath and holding it for 5 secs. you're able to maintain your posture.  You look in that mirror and say wow I know I will look good after I lose a few pounds, then I know I will be fabulous.  So then as you're taking the dress off you're trying not to stretch it out and ruin the shape of it so again you try your best to snuggle your way out and the more you try the more you start to suffocate and then you're stuck.  You're stuck in this odd angle of taking this dress off.  You pause for a moment to take a deep breath and you make one more last pull before you're completely free but again your chest is in the way and it's even harder and harder to take the dress off.  Now you're thinking there's no way I can go through this again trying to fit in this dress.  I definitely have to lose wait to fit in this comfortably.  Ugh you're feeling suffocated again and this time your arms are starting to feel sore and the dress is leaving marks all over your body from the pull.  Finally after a process of slowing getting out of it you're free.  At this point you don't even care about catching your breath you're just worried that you didn't ruin the dress.  Yes the dress is still intact for the most part.  You hold it against your body looking at the mirror and you say, I know this will work out once I lose the weight.  I slowly look at the price tag again and then it hit me how much I'm going to have to cut other costs to make up for paying this dress.  This dress is going to cost a pretty penny that I don't have right now nor will I have in a couple of months for that matter.  There's going to be a lot of adjustments for me to make to get this dress and to wear this dress.  I'm going to have to work out and save money at the same time all the while of not having the luxury of enjoying this dress to wear right now.  I took a deep breath and stared at it for a long long time in that dressing room.  The sales clerk kept asking me if I was alright.  I don't know I said but don't worry.  She walked off confused and so was I, cuz I really do not know what to do.  Should I buy it or walk away.  This dress will give me the push I need to fit in it but the price will put a dent in my wallet.  By the time I'm ready to fit into the dress I won't have any money to go out to.  But if I don't buy the dress then nothings lost.  It's as if I was back to where I started in the first place fantasizing what that dress would be like wearing it.  My heart says yes but my head says no......Yes that dress is gorgeous but I'm not sure the value of that dress is worth me struggling for.  It shouldn't be this hard thinking about it or purchasing it after UGH! After my meltdown I finally stepped outside the box. That dress is for someone who has the money and has a nice shape to appreciate it.  And I know that there's another store around the corner that has a better price and cute dresses.  But if I want a dress like that again then maybe I should work on saving now and losing weight to where that right dress will come along and when it does I will be ready and willing to make that big purchase.

Sometimes I cry

New song from Eric Benet....The lyrics just hit too close to home for me.  It's sad but trust me I am moving on.....it just takes a long time to let go of the love of your life, especially when you haven't found anyone close to his stature. 

Two years since you walked away from me
Since all of our scattered dreams, were just thrown away
I’m finally gettin’ back to what I used to be
Shared my pain with my family
Think I’m on my way

I can sleep at night, I don’t reach for you when I wake up, no
But it’s taken some time, yeah
I can live my life without praying that we could make up
I’m movin’ on, I’m feeling strong inside but

Sometimes I cry babe
When I’m all alone with this heart of mine, ooh
Sometimes I cry baby
Although you’ve been gone for a long, long time,

I heard you’re movin’ in with someone new
I hope all your dreams come true
And you’ll both be happy, yeah
Been long enough for me to take a look around
I met a guy, we been hanging out, he’s been good for me
But when we making love, he don’t take me there like you used to
And it hurts when I lie, when I lie baby
Help me understand how to push you out, forget you
And let you go ‘cause Lord knows I’ve tried yeah

Sometimes I cry baby
Baby I’ve been hurtin’ for a long, long time. Yes I have babe
Sometimes I cry ba-a-a-by
Aint nothing working for this pain of mine,

I’ll just have to fake it
Until I can make it
There’s a smile on my face, yeah, but I’m broken insi-i-i-i-i-de,

Sometimes I cry
When I’m all alone , when I’m all alone with this heart of mine,
Sometimes I cry baby,
Although you’ve been gone for a long long, a long long
Long, long, long, long, long, long, long, yeah, baby, baby, baby
I can’t take it no more
I can’t take it no no no
 
No come back to me