Privacy

I was reading a fellow Blogger's page about maintaining privacy and I so need that.  Lately when I get excited and want to share stuff with my colleagues and friends the more follow up questions are being asked and confusing thoughts start to linger.  Especially with my colleagues.  It's becoming a back lash for me and I'm getting seriously annoyed.  I can't really blame them but then again how silly are they to come up with insulting questions.  I'm starting to think they may think of me different or that they find me humorous and want to get entertained on what I may tell them next.  It's killing me and I know I started it so now I need to set the tone for their nuisances.  It's nothing deep per say but it's more of me telling them about my dates or how I met someone etc.  What kills me is they will ask me everyday, so have you heard from so and so, or did you go out this weekend have you met anyone, or are you bumbed he didn't call, did you really like him.  It's like people it's not that serious and I'm only sharing it with you for small talk humor.  Lets not draw it out like there's more to it, if there's more maybe I'll tell you maybe I wont.  But gees you don't see me asking how your marriage is going am I?  I know I need to start keeping it to myself.  But then the questions become what's wrong did someone not call you this week? I'm going to blow up and be like it's none of your F*** business.  But no I will be the bigger person and I have this week by responding to their answers short and saying I don't know what my plans are and that yes I did have a good weekend.  I chilled and hung out with good people.  That's it! How about yours?  Of course they keep it short as well.  I know my personality tends to talk about things maybe too much in detail and folks become more interested.  I can't help it if my stories are more engaging than theirs.  I am the only single gal in my group so there are more stories to tell.  But I need to keep things to myself now because I'm starting to resent it all and it's coming back to me at the expense of my life experiences because they are a bit personal and I'm taking their comments personal. Now that I see how it's affecting me maybe I do need to just keep it to myself and maintain the professionalism at work the way it should be. 

*Note to self:  Keeping your personal life private is a start to keeping your thoughts and emotions in lined and gaining a better grasp of knowing yourself without outside influence.

Sometimes you just have to say it and let it out

Ok as silly as it sounds I still need to hear it.  So Mr. and I broke up well not exactly it's more of no one is calling each other and yet there's no hard feelings nor explanation as to what went wrong but somehow it's over.  What's killing more is that I don't have an answer for what happened.  I'd really, really just want to know so I can stop thinking about it.  I tend to have a habit of analyzing or maybe it's my nature.  I am and honestly past it but to walk away as if nothing happened is just not enough for me.  How would I explain to the next person what happened to so so ...or on my 2nd date with a stranger to explain what happened in my so called relationships.  How does this sound to say the last real relationship I had was in 2002.  And the greatest love of my life couldn't call me his girlfriend.  WTF! What does that look like and so my explanation for the last 9 years were just hook ups.  My GOD this really looks bad now that it's written out.  I guess I can't revert to what happened last because nothing really happened I suppose?  But then again we did have a long consistent courtship where we did share quality time and genuinely enjoyed each other's company.  Heck I even got a xmas gift from him and for him to walk away as if we just had our first date kinda stings.  And what's worse is this sting doesnt' just spark so abruptly its the sting that lasts slowly the more you think about what went wrong.  I know I shouldn't be spending my time dwelling on it but I just can't figure out what went wrong.  I keep thinking it may be me and I can probably guess to an extent maybe me but for him to walk away and never call ........ Ok I'm exaggerating he does check on me.  But clearly it's not the same. It's kinda like getting a needle shot you just want it done and over with.  You know what to expect and you're faced to deal with the pain.  Well what about the slow moving shot that just lingers after the pain has gone.  Like the fact that he couldn't be vocal about anything yet he was so kind and gentle and sweet however, this whole time he was planning to dump your ass.  He knew he had to give up while you were thinking things were getting better.  Matter of fact you're thinking about taking things to the next level when his level was leaving your ass.  "Breathe" Yes I know let it go.  I am letting it go but now I'm back to square one again getting to know me....right how much longer do I need to know that I'm tired of this ish.  Ugh I'm back to being bitter again.  Ok he can't do this to me no no no.  Ok now I'm pyscho babbling.  Anyways It's just, if a guy were a jerk we can easily pin point it out and know it clear as day because he showed it blatantly to your face.  Well the one's who are kind and do care for your feelings and are gentle about it is only messaging the pain even more.  Either way pain is pain and it all hurts in the end however you put it.  At least if I'm mad I can move on faster.  I guess what I'm saying is just give me the shot and I'll eventually face the truth.  But I guess it's a catch 22 because once I face the truth at least there's forgiveness down the road.  There should be forgiveness regardless but that's another story.  But if he is a jerk I can uphold that he is a true jerk and no way would I ever talk to him ever again..he's just not a good person.  I guess in summary there's no right way to break up with someone is there?  Straight and fast or slow and gentle?  Whew well I feel a lot better letting this out with this beer in my hand, music playing, bout to cuddle under the covers doing me ....literally.

No more happy endings?

I had a long weekend this week because of MLK on Monday so I really didn't have much plans, hence long weekend.  With that I had a lot of time to catch up on my movies.  I saw a total of 6 movies this weekend.  One included the theatre, the rest were Redbox and Netflix.  From my Netflix collection I happened to rent two sappy love movies.  I'm sorry, I'm a sucker for romance.  These two movies were not actually what I expected at all.  I rented "Remember me" and "Adam".  Not to give away the ending but I gotta say it wasn't the typical love story that happy endings occur.  Maybe in our generation today it's more of being practical about love and facing the truth, that not all love story ends with a happy ending.  I was kinda bummed.  The stories were moving and you did see the struggle and passion for love that they portrayed.  Heck I still teared.  But sometimes maybe the struggle we experience in relationships may not be the right relationship but that relationship shouldn't be discredited at all. Regardless of what kind of relationship it may be, someone will always be affected by one's action.  Both movies did move me because there was the heartache, the forgiveness, understanding, passion, kindness that we see in these relationships and it's something that we all should take from it.  Hopefully in the next relationship it won't be so hard and maybe in the next relationship we can look forward to that happy ending.  And maybe more happy endings....in movies?

My confirmation

So I went out to happy hour Friday at my favorite happy hour spot.  I'm pretty much a regular there but regular to me is every other month it seems like.  Actually I haven't gone lately because I was dating someone for a couple of months.  Matter of fact it may be my favorite spot for the fact I meet a lot of guys there.  It's so hard to mix leisure with pleasure but hey he was an exception and only exception because obviously what we had didn't last and I know I will see his ass there again.  Ugh I already had this dreaded feeling Friday that I may run into his ass.  Thank God it didn't happen.....yet I know it's only a matter of time.  Anyways I planned on meeting my male friend up there but he was running late.  I refuse to miss happy hour so I went there waiting for him alone.  I walked around the bar looking for a seat and it happened to be next to an attractive guy.  This was my perspective from the back because all I saw was muscles and a nice shiny bald head.  As I tapped him twice with no response I said "excuse me is this seat taken" he said "no help yourself, it's all you."  We both had a big smile and that was it.  The moment I sat down to get adjusted the women from across the bar was looking right at us..maybe more at me as if I planned to make a bold move.  I suppose they were checking him out and I really didn't look at him, look at him.  Anyways my drank came in and his conversation kept flowing.  I even talked to his older gentlemen to my left who was from Denmark and my ignorant ass had no clue Denmark was a country lmao.  I thought it was somewhere in Oregon under my Bud light buzz lmao.  Anyways I'm cool, things were cool and he was starting to look more attractive just based on our conversation.  He was asking all the right questions actually very detailed personal questions like boyfriend, age....especially when I didn't get that vibe he was interested maybe I didn't give that vibe either.  Either way it was a genuine conversation.  And to top it all he was mixed with Filipino just like me.  I was in awwh.  Cuz it's just very rare and knowing he's mixed with the same race just opened a new window of really getting to know this guy.   I'm thinking man something could really hit off here.  But I stopped myself.  I didn't want to jump the gun of getting excited and getting my hopes up etc.  I been down this route before and I just don't want to be labeled as the happy hour hooch.  But I did have a nice conversation with him and he did ask for my number.  To be continued.....(I know I said no boys in my last blog but he will be a future platonic friend)  Anyways after that another woman took his seat and sat next to me.  My friend finally came by and he automatically started flirting with her.  She whined up telling us her whole life story which comes to find out she's older 42 to be exact.  She said something that struck me and I took her comment seriously.  When she told us her age we were shocked and complimented her and she said she had her daughter who is now 3 years old.  She never thought in her life that she would bare a child but she did wish she had done all the things she wanted to do before she was born.  She thought she had all the time she needed to do the things she wanted and pooop here comes a baby.  To her that's all her blessings now but for a random stranger to share that with us (mainly me) was my confirmation. 

Discipline, Patience, and Commitment

Ok I reverted back from my last post about relationships, which I said I wasn't going to dwell in, and see it happens again.  For me, this time I will focus on 3 areas for 2011 that I want to work on for myself.

1. Discipline.  I tend to procrastinate and brush things off by doing whatever I feel.  I need to stop that and just focus and stick to it.

2. Patience.  I hear it more and more how I want something to happen so bad to where I force it to happen and then I get disappointed when it doesn't happen so I need to just let things flow naturally.

3. Commitment.  I think once I master (somewhat habit) the two items above it will help me stay committed easily.  I won't procrastinate as much and hopefully I stick to my goals.

I know I sound so convincing right now.  The truth is if  I were to say I'm doing something, the more of the opposite will happen.  So the best bet for me, at least, is this thought out plan and give myself credit for trying.  Hey trying is the first step than giving up, which in my mind is automatic failure.  So right now failure is not an option.

With that being said, I have 12 months to set up a plan on how to accomplish these characteristics.  I believe for anyone to truly gain an understanding of who they are, one must go through something outside their comfort zone.  Whatever challenge that may be, it is how you respond to that situation that will help you build your character and eventually make you a better person and the world a better place.

I have listed out my goals above on what I want to build for myself  for me to find my happiness.  In order for me to achieve that I set out three circumstances to help me get there.

1.  I have already started to commit myself to taking this tax course for a week everyday after work.  Let's just say it's been a long long seven days.  After this course I will be working part time on the weekends and maybe once a week preparing tax returns.  I will mainly be working with low income families who may not speak English at times.  This will go on till mid April.  By then I should be able to learn how to build my discipline with my full time work and my weekend job dealing with people all day.  Let's see how strong my discipline will hold.  It shouldn't be too bad but I already see myself quitting possibly by mid March at the rate of dealing with people.

2.  I will be committed to doing Bikram Yoga for 3 months 3 days a week.  I love Yoga already but to do it in 100 degree temperature will be very very challenging.  I decided to do this because 1. I want to lose 15lbs., nothing dramatic just want to be more toned and 2. just not up for the rigorous exercise.  I want something calming and simple yet effective in all the right places.  Plus Yoga is very spiritual along with meditation so this course will help me build the patience I need in my life.  I hear it all the time Patience, Patience and now I realize that if I don't enjoy this moment today, I can see my future longing for the past.  So I need to work on this!

3.  After my Yoga which I will stick through for the rest of my life but it won't be as rigorous in prior months because I will do it less frequent each week.  Is to stay committed to something.  I tend to want to do everything and all things and yet the minute I start I already want to quit.  I brush things off and procrastinate and justify my reasons by doing things later.  I flake off engagements with other folks because I can't say no sometimes.  I just need to find something I can stick to.  So around my 30th birthday I will challenge myself to go to another country learning a foreign language and commit myself to something I'm not familiar with and to get involve in something I've never been exposed to.  This journey will help me stay committed because one I can't leave that easily and two It's costing me a pretty penny to do this and three I want to see how far I can go with myself.  How much can I handle and how much can I embrace this journey.

This 3rd challenge may be the hardest for me to embrace but once I mastered the 2 goals above it will prepare me to go into this journey with an open mind and a balanced state of mind as well.

With that being said through out this journey there will be no distractions for me.  Meaning no MEN!  No going out drinking to find men, no flirting with men, wait take that back all the flirting I want because nothing will happen afterwards.  I use to miss that when it was so much fun when they couldn't have you lol.

To my friends this year I will be documenting this journey and the people I run across that will help me think and observe the universe around me.  So let the journey begin!

The reason you love him

My girlfriend and I actually had this epiphany when someone asked us both the same question (different time and place) as to why we like this person.  Her answer "he has good work ethic" lmao dont kill me and my answer was "because there's no reason not to".  If our guys heard us say that in front of them it would break their hearts.  It's not much of the warm and fuzzies you would want your partner to say nor hear from.  So the real question is ....is there really a good answer?  I explored my emotions and reasons as to why I like him.  I can't really pin point to say that he does this for me, or he makes feel like this, or he bought me this etc.  It's not much what I'm looking for in a partner and I can say those warm and fuzzies of giving me butterflies and making me feel warm at night is not enough.  I'm not leaning towards a partner providing me with financial security (to an extent) but also not looking for the emotion of making me feel whole.  I'm currently still working on getting to find my own happiness so the last thing I need is to find someone to make me happy for me to feel complete.  But I guess my answer as to why I like him is not currently defined right now but it's enough to say he got my attention for the time being and I suppose the real answers will be ready when we're ready for the real questions.

Curiosity killed the cat

My colleague was telling us her friend's situation about catching her husband having an affair.  She didn't directly catch him.  She came home early and overheard his conversation over the phone and it was very inappropriate for a married man to say to any woman.  She was in shock on what was happening.  She continued to stand by the door and her husband quickly hung up his cell phone the minute he heard something.  She didn't bring it up, played it cool and immediately called her girlfriend.  Later that night before they went to bed he took a shower and she was able to pull up the phone number of the female.  The next day she did further investigating on the woman and even had someone else call the woman just to make sure it was her.  My colleague was telling us how much she was getting into to find out more on what her husband was doing.  My colleague had a point, as to why go through all that torture if you're not ready to leave him.  She said, "why do you want to go through all the details of this woman and how they go about their business just to confirm he's cheating". Do we need actual proof to know your man's cheating?  She knows he's doing something wrong but she can't point it out  nor can she really start an argument without proof. We all have that intuition about something not feeling right and if it's something that is bothering I think we all should just confront it like mature adults.  But I was really struck on, what if he did admit to cheating and the marriage isn't what it's expected to be, are we really ready to face that reality of what can end.  I know tomorrow isn't guaranteed but to know that you at least have the comfort of coming home to a warm bed and a lovely home isn't something anyone wants to give up quickly.  She pointed out, why confront him, if you're not ready to leave. If not then maybe you should come at him with a different approach but to further investigate on what may be going on is only putting yourself through torture and that something can be more damaging than the problem itself which may not be fixable in the future.  Would you want to know?  If it were me I would at least let him know I can't be disrespected and let him know something is up.  But I don't think I would want to know the details.  Like she said, "in time the truth will reveal itself but to go out and seek it, well you might just get burned"....I guess ignorance is bliss...until you become a blatant fool.