This one's for me.

For the past several months I've been spending time with me.  I can't even say I'm spending time it's more of killing time and facing the reality of loneliness.  Loneliness is a killer for singles.  It causes us to take desperate actions, comprises our logic, loses sense of pride of being single by choice.  It's a mess because time is wasted by binge watching with no guilt. I've gone a whole weekend catching up on 3 shows on hulu and netflix.  It's so sad and pathetic but I rather do that than to look for nothing or hope for something that's ultimately taking me no where.  I rather be happy at home and enjoy my free time.  But this has gone to be too much free time and now I've been complacent looking for something to fill this void.  Blogging has helped me stay in perspective.  Forcing myself to get out is enpowering but I find myself repeating this same scenario and feeling when I first moved here.  It's getting old and Im dreading the feeling but it does get easier, especially when drinks are in you.  Three weeks ago,  I took a bold action and came up to someone and flirted with him heavily.  His smile was inviting so I took it as he was entertained.  Music and alcohol does release inhibition and attraction was in full force but it also felt right.  He was my type and I went with it and so did he.

Unfortunately, after few real conversations took place he mentioned he's not able to have children.  He has a vasectomy he says.  Sorry its a deal breaker.  Lie or not or reversable or not I'm not trying that hard to convince myself or him the posibbilities.  I walked away, politely.  Cut my losses now because that is something I don't have time for.  I ran into him later that night he grabbed my hand and asked for my number.  He was dissapointed on how I walk away like that and said he would like to get to know me and see me again.  At this point I felt a bit presumptious and phsycho to not  give him my # because he can't have kids.  Why was I thinking that far anyway?  I may not even like him.  It drove me crazy and embarrased for myself that I was so quick to cut him off by thinking years ahead on a potential stranger. I had to slow down and because of that I gave him my #.

I need to take it day by day and stop thinking about tomorrow.  I'm always thinking about tomorrow and it's killing me.  Its been very bad lately and Ive been isolating myself from the world because I'm not finding this perfect situation or ideal person to fit in my life.  I truly need to deal with things as it comes and worry when it happens.  This is practice for me.  For the past 3 weeks I've been consciously checking myself and trying to live in the moment him and the best part is I am having a good time.  I really am.  Nothing serious, no expectations, and yet we are both honest to the T with no reservations.   I've been so comfortable and felt like we've know each other for years its weird.  Maybe because we know where we stand and we have nothing to lose?  I do like him.  But I know how I can get and I'm not fooling myself to think anything more and the funny thing is he says "I'm the guy and he's the girl".  Its not consciously that I'm doing it but the honesty and where we stand does help me know my place and with that place I'm playing my role very well.  I'm just letting him spoil me and I'm enjoying every minute of it.  Publicly and privately.  So far my loneliness is gone but now its a new practice of maintaining my balance on getting use to someone around consistently and preparing for that loneliness when I can no longer hang on to him and not get caught up.  How does that work? In the meantime I'm going to ride this truck till the wheels come off.  To be continued......

I don't like his last name (Final)

Mr. Last Name has been persistent on seeing me.  We've chatted on the phone a couple times and I noticed how strongly opinionated he is.  I can't say much about him but he seems to be a genuine person.  I have to say the excitement fizzled a bit for me as the long talks and strong opinions disctracted me from really being attracted to him.  I feel sometimes we have to look at things in perspective and I was just thinking of the big potential big picture, if the possibility of us was perfect this is what I would have to face and I felt like I need to nip it in the bud immediately before I go.  This is how I look at it *side eyes*.  Even though I've jumped the gun big time about thinking way too far ahead wouldn't you think of this as a deal breaker?


I tend to lean more on the traditional side of things when it comes to being married like taking his last name so I"m sorry the thought came across my mind for a few seconds/minute/hour.  You know that saying "you don't get a 2nd chance at the first impression" or "when in doubt trust your gut" lol.  Anyways my impression of him was he was fun and charming and with that sure I'll give you my #, ha clearly doesn't take much for me but then when the laughter faded and the real conversations started to sink in, and to size him up but I couldn't get there because it wasn't all there with me.  I didn't feel the connection.  The connection where you don't need to talk much but just be and feel it without knowing anything about that person.  I'm looking for that.  I felt like the more drinks, deep conversations, and compliments had to be built for my fire to arise only to be full of smoke.

I kept waiting for the real answer when he told me his last name.  I seriously thought he was joking. He explained where it came from and why his parents came up with that.  Did I tell yall his parents are Muslim but "he's not".  Unfortunately here I respect my experiences and will have to protect the identify of that person.  :) but I can say it sounds like Saddam Huessain lol.  Get my drift.... But I will say it was enough to say "spell that"  I am not about to be someone's wife rocking that last name.  What do I look like?!?!  As shallow and ignorant as I am that was my confirmation.  He was honest with me that he can't give me what I truly deserves as much as he's willing and open to convince himself he would be that guy for me but the reality of his job and travel can't permit that sacrifice and with that I was all good.  I'm glad he was the bigger person as he will be out of town for the next 4 months and I wasn't able to tell him the truth that there wouldn't be a future no way based on his last name.  We are cool.  Oh well on to the next.