Wow it's almost the end of 2010 and I look back at my blogs the past couple of months and it's all reflected on relationships. I know my purpose was to explore my single hood in a new city but I haven't really had a chance to explore myself. I did take the first step and have the courage to step outside of my comfort home AZ. I left my family and good friends behind to go on this new journey of my so called life. But now as I reflect and look back I've noticed how much I was seeking to discover something.....and that search happen to be in men. I hate it but the loneliness forced me to meet someone to validate my choice. For me to say, see that, I moved here to meet him, doesn't justify my reason for leaving. That wasn't necessarily my intent but somehow there's still a void in me. This unsatisfactory state in my life that I can't seem to put my finger on. I can't complain living away from it all. I couldn't complain before I left it all as well. I guess the difference is that I took that leap of faith to do something for me and my gosh have I done it and how much God was on my side to have everything laid out for me. He definitely made it a smooth transition to discover what it is I'm looking for. Now that my bed is comfortably laid out for me to seek, my search has been narrow towards company of men whom still doesn't give me that satisfaction I'm looking for. I've come to that conclusion in the my last six months of 2010 to that no man can or ever will satisfy me. You know what I can't even blame the men. I noticed a pattern I keep having with myself from these disappointments I keep encountering. I'll take partial responsibility for the level of expectations I have from these guys. I guess a part of me is always seeking from them to provide me some sort of happiness and security and the moment they can't fulfill that standard I easily get disappointed and sad. Then I blame in on myself that's it's me they don't care for and then my bitterness and anger and giving up arises again to this self fulfillment of what I keep professing with a loss of hope of no good men left. Therefore, I will take part that I can't expect anyone to fulfill my happiness. This has to be done by me and me alone in order for my better half to appreciate and love me unconditionally the way I should love myself. And in order for me to do that I need to find that balance of love for myself in order to give the love for others. To that my friends, 2011 will be the year to lose myself in love (I) in order to live a balanced life. 2011 will be the year I will see the world as you will follow along in this journey with me. I am looking forward to it! Let's celebrate!-Nameste
