Happy ending to a New Beginning

Wow it's almost the end of 2010 and I look back at my blogs the past couple of months and it's all reflected on relationships.  I know my purpose was to explore my single hood in a new city but I haven't really had a chance to explore myself.  I did take the first step and have the courage to step outside of my comfort home AZ.  I left my family and good friends behind to go on this new journey of my so called life.  But now as I reflect and look back I've noticed how much I was seeking to discover something.....and that search happen to be in men.  I hate it but the loneliness forced me to meet someone to validate my choice.  For me to say, see that, I moved here to meet him, doesn't justify my reason for leaving.  That wasn't necessarily my intent but somehow there's still a void in me.  This unsatisfactory state in my life that I can't seem to put my finger on.  I can't complain living away from it all.  I couldn't complain before I left it all as well.  I guess the difference is that I took that leap of faith to do something for me and my gosh have I done it and how much God was on my side to have everything laid out for me.  He definitely made it a smooth transition to discover what it is I'm looking for.  Now that my bed is comfortably laid out for me to seek, my search has been narrow towards company of men whom still doesn't give me that satisfaction I'm looking for.  I've come to that conclusion in the my last six months of 2010 to that no man can or ever will satisfy me.  You know what I can't even blame the men.  I noticed a pattern I keep having with myself from these disappointments I keep encountering.  I'll take partial responsibility for the level of expectations I have from these guys.  I guess a part of me is always seeking from them to provide me some sort of happiness and security and the moment they can't fulfill that standard I easily get disappointed and sad.  Then I blame in on myself that's it's me they don't care for and then my bitterness and anger and giving up arises again to this self fulfillment of what I keep professing with a loss of hope of no good men left.  Therefore, I will take part that I can't expect anyone to fulfill my happiness.  This has to be done by me and me alone in order for my better half to appreciate and love me unconditionally the way I should love myself.  And in order for me to do that I need to find that balance of love for myself in order to give the love for others.  To that my friends, 2011 will be the year to lose myself in love (I) in order to live a balanced life.  2011 will be the year I will see the world as you will follow along in this journey with me.  I am looking forward to it!  Let's celebrate!

-Nameste

Lessons Of Love

A ninety-one year old woman died
after living a long dignified life.
When she met God, she asked him something
that had long bothered her.
If Man was created in God's image,
and if all men are created equal,
why do people treat each other so badly?
God replied that each person who
enters our life has a unique
lesson to teach us.
And it is only through these
lessons that we learn about life,
people, relationships and God.
This confused the woman, so God began to explain.
When someone lies to you, it
teaches you that things are not
always as they seem. The truth is often far
beneath the surface. Look beyond the masks
people wear if you want to know their heart.
And remove your own masks to let people know yours.
When someone steals from you,
it teaches you that nothing is forever.
Always appreciate what you have,
for you never know when you might lose it.
And never, ever take your friends
and family for granted because today
is the only guarantee you have.
When someone inflicts an injury upon you,
it teaches you that the human state is a fragile one.
Protect and take care of your body
as best you can, it's the only thing
you are sure to have forever.
When someone mocks you,
it teaches you that no two people are alike.
When you encounter people who are
different from you, don't judge
them by how they look or act;
instead base your opinion on the contents of their heart.
When someone breaks your heart,
it teaches you that loving someone
does not always mean that person
will love you back. But don't turn your back
on love because when you find the right person,
the joy that one person brings will
make up for all the past hurts put together.
Times ten. When someone holds a grudge against you,
it teaches you that everyone makes mistakes.
When you are wronged, the most virtuous
thing you can do is forgive the offender without pretense.
Forgiving those who have hurt us is the most difficult,
the most courageous and the noblest thing man can do.
When a loved one is unfaithful to you,
it teaches you that resisting temptation
is man's greatest challenge.
Be vigilant in your resistance against
all temptation. By doing so you will be
rewarded with an enduring sense
of satisfaction far greater
than the temporary pleasure by which you were tempted.
When someone cheats you,
it teaches you that greed is the root of all evil.
Aspire to make your dreams come true,
no matter how lofty they may be.
Do not feel guilty about your success,
but never let an obsession with achieving
your goals lead you to engage in malevolent activities.
When someone ridicules you,
it teaches you that nobody is perfect.
Accept people for their merits and be
tolerant of their flaws.
Do not ever reject someone for
imperfections over which they have no control.
Upon hearing the Lord's wisdom,
the old woman became concerned
that there were no lessons to be learned
from man's good deeds.
God replied that man's capacity to love
is the greatest gift he has.
At the root of all kindness is love,
and each act of love also teaches us a lesson.
The woman's curiosity deepening,
God once again began to explain.
When someone loves us it teaches us that love,
kindness, charity, honesty,
humility, forgiveness and
acceptance can counteract all the evil in the world.
For every good deed, there is one less evil deed.
Man alone has the power to control
the balance between good and evil,
but because the lessons of love
are not taught often enough,
the power is too often abused.
When you enter someone's life,
whether by plan, chance or coincidence,
consider what your lesson will be.
Will you teach love or a harsh lesson of reality?
When you die, will your life
have resulted in more loving or hurting?
More comfort or pain?
More joy or sadness? Each one of
us has power over the balance
of love in the world. Use it wisely

The right reason

Someone said "maybe a lot of marriages fail because they fell in love for the wrong reason".  I paused, because I questioned well I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking it's going to fail.  "Of course not", he said, "but I'm sure they never got to the root as to the main reason they were in love".  So I let him elaborate more and he said "There's someone or something all of us are attracted to, looks, cars, money, security, kids, etc...it can be a long list but whatever is the basis of pursing or interested in someone make sure there's something more substantial than material things because it's not enough to hold a relationship.  I'ts not!  That's why 50% or marriages fail because the superficial basis of what makes you think you're in love can only last for so long.  What sustains us is the falling for the person.  That person as a human being outside of how much he makes for a living, how good in bed he is, his career title.  I said lets not be naive about this because we all have our preferences now, you can't fault for what makes you happy.  He agrees it's about what makes you happy but making sure what makes you happy is for the right reasons.  So here's my list of my qualifications of the right reasons:

1. Money...how does he use his money?...Does he mainly spend it on cars, fancy items?  He may be materialistic.
2. Looks...how often does he spend time checking himself?...He could be vain, insecure, superficial, gay.
3. Career title....Does he love what he do?  Or is he in it for to gain social status, to appease others.

These are my top 3 of what women look for, so in my opinion we should look a little deeper than the material items that can cloud our heads of what love is.  If we can find someone that is a bit deeper than what I listed that's great but to see if you truly love someone, I can say if you were to lose everything you had would you be there to support him and be ready to start over and build your lives together or would you resent him? Can you really answer that question.  If you know he's smart, witty, kind, strong, and have values.  Then you shouldn't doubt what he's capable of.  Another thing when times get rough, you will need motivation.  My motivation, when all things fail, can I see myself waking up first thing in the morning to see his face.  If you can stand that, then I think you have a chance at this thing called love and a fulfilling marriage.  Same goes for the men.

So who's to blame?

My girlfriend's rational for seeing someone who has a girlfriend is "that's him cheating".  She said he's not married to her, nor does he live with her so he's open to see who he wants and as far as she can see that's on him.  That may be true it's on him, I agree he's the one in a relationship.  The other woman doesn't owe the girl anything nor an explanation for that matter.  But then my question becomes why would you continue to get involved with someone you know is taken.  How does that benefit you?  Outside of the sexual gratification in which in your case is not just a sexual relationship.  You do have feelings for him and for the most part you do care for him.  So why would you play with your emotions like that.  You say for him to cheat has something to do on her end or the relationship is falling apart.  So you think because he hasn't married her yet or they are not living together that you're going to discount their relationship.  As far as I can see to say he has a girlfriend period, trumps most reasons as to why he's not getting involved with you.  Most guys would lie to say their single so for him to say he at least has a girlfriend is a major red flag that he's not looking for anything more.  But of course you can't see that, you see since he's not married nor live with her, you think it's not serious.  You think there may be a possibility for you to be included in his life, once he gets to know you, right?  That may be possible, but why would you want to be someone who's involved?  Why would you be ok just to be his appetizer when he has a full meal to come home to, that's waiting for him.  Why would you want to be his back up plan when he made plans with his girlfriend to wine and dine her and treat her his queen and then run to you when he's bored.  Are you ok with the half fast relationship?  So outside of the sexual relationship that you only have what makes you think he would treat you differently?  That's the problem you don't think!  You're thinking about you now and the selfishness you have for yourself.  But you know who's really selfish is HIM!  He's having his cake and eating it and everyone involved with him will get hurt in the end. He's not thinking either.  Of course not and the rational behind it all is ........what again?   

I guess it's not greener

Why is it that married couples encourages single folks to stay single when they're married.  What's wrong with me desiring to be married.  When I see cute married couples walking around I think it's awesome.  It's something I look forward to one day.  But why is it they want us to take our sweet time.  Hello I'm close to your age how much longer do I need?  Plus you have me thinking, what you're not happy now, are you regretting your choice?  Are you saying had you waited longer you would of married someone else?  Is that what you mean?  It's unfair for you to say such a thing when you're already in it.  It's unfair for you to take away my dreams when you are living it, it's unfair for you to say anything against marriage until you are on the other side of my shoes.  I actually think being single is overrated to a point.  People act like being single is the world.  You know what as much as I enjoy my freedom at times there are some things you still can't do alone.  You can't go to a concert alone, um loser.  You can't eat at a nice fancy restaurant all dressed up, sipping on wine alone, hmn desperate.  You can't really go to sports event alone without someone next to you to cheer with.  You can't go to a comedy show alone, ah weirdo.  You can't go to an amusement park alone, lets say  creepy.  You know what's worse, as much as being single, you can feel even lonelier when you're sharing quality time with a complete stranger you don't care for or when you're in a large crowd and no one to share your experience with. Now that's lonely.  It's a bummer cuz all the fun exciting things you can't just do by yourself.  Oh and trust, you are very lucky to find a friend to even do those things I just listed.  It's a drag and so discouraging. These are things you need a partner for and I'm just annoyed how someone is looking forward to being single after being with someone for such a long time, only to desire to be with someone better.  Good luck out there!  It's one thing to break a marriage to figure yourself out and spend time alone getting to know you and enjoying your space but to break out and stamp single to mingle good luck with that.  Of course your rouse of having fun is a different topic but to think you can find someone better because he doesn't stand par with your own selfishness is a fool soon be departed.  All that fun and excitement isn't what it's cracked up to be and before you know it you're 65 years old wondering where your time has gone.  I'm just saying folks need to stop acting like the grass is greener and make the best of your choices before you make any life changing plans.  And when you do don't pass the torch of thinking you're helping the next person out because you're not.  We all have our own paths to follow, the least you can do is to encourage us because you took that chance as well.

Closure

You can't drive ahead if you're looking through your rear view mirror.  As cliche as it sounds, this quote finally hit me.  As much as I've heard on ways to move on, words don't matter much when you're just not ready to face the truth.  You always think you've moved on from someone because you haven't seen each other or talked to one another for a long time so you figure you have moved on.  No.  It's just a cover up for yourself because deep down, you're still thinking about how he's doing, wondering where he's at, if he's dating someone, is he in a relationship, does he love her, does he do the same things he use to do with you that he does with her.  I'm sure one of these thoughts crossed you mind at some point.  It finally hit me, to where, you say to yourself, "you know what I'm tired of thinking about him".  I don't know why I still do but I do want an out.  Why haven't I got an out, where's my push?  My push has been to stay busy, to date others, to talk about it, compensate my time more at work, cry about it, to sleep away from my mind from thinking about him late at night.  I've done all these things and trust me it has helped but it only pushes my feelings further along.  Further along till time makes you face reality.  Being honest with myself is my reality at this point.  This whole time I've been convincing myself that I have moved on only puts me back to where I was at in the beginning trying to move on.  I know I can't move on if I keep holding to the past.  I know this! But this past where things were so good but lost on what went wrong.  This past of figuring out what went wrong and trying to fix it.  This past of hoping that maybe things have changed in the near future that one day God will answer your prayers and he will come back.  This past of knowing he will come back will be different and things will be better because yes you convinced yourself we are at different place and it is a different time.  This past has only brought me back........ when the whole world is moving forward and yet somehow I can't see it.  But you know what I finally found my lane again.  I see that lane very clear.  This lane is leading me to where I want to go.  Now that I know where I'm going there is one thing I must do for myself and for him.  I need to take this road alone and I need to let him know that I've been his passenger for too long.  I have to let him know how much he did mean to me.  It doesn't matter at this point how he feels about me or what went wrong.  What matters now is to take the high road on letting him know that our experience and how much he affected me is something I will never forget .  That's my closure to him.  Now the only thing for me to look back on is to say yes I did fall in love and that's that.

That dress

You're at the mall, not really to go shopping but something to do to get out the house.  The mall is always a fun escape because there's people around doing the same thing you're doing.  You can browse see what's new, try on clothes, pick up ideas for when you do want to purchase something in the future, daydreaming picturing yourself having that one expensive item one day, or just curious to see the prices on things.  You continue to walk around and browse and there's this one shop that's going out of business.  Everything 85% off!  I'm talking about cute clothes too to where there's so much to choose from you don't even know what to pick.  What's worse is there's only one of it's kind left so whatever you're looking for is it.  What you see is what you get.  What a bummer when things are too good to be true because when it does come up, best believe you're not the only one who notices.  But see you did happen to walk by when the guy put the sign out, so you are the first to notice.  You go in thinking ok I know I wasn't planning to purchase anything major.  If anything you may come out with a shirt that was on sale that you budgeted for.  But you're thinking in your head, ok depends on what it is because I wasn't planning on spending much.  You look around there's so much cute stuff but even after the sales price, it's still a little over priced for you.  You continue to look and look and my gosh there it is.  This dress you happen to notice hanging on the wall.  Of course it's one of it's kind and that dress is calling your name.  You just know how gorgeous it is and how cute you will be in it and how much compliments you'll get when everyone sees you in this beautiful dress.  You just got to have it!  At this point you don't even care about the other items are in the store.  Besides you did breeze through the racks twice and nothing pinned you ....until you looked up.  So you definitely know for sure there's nothing else that you want.  You just know how this dress will make you feel.  The sales clerk brings the dress down and tells you the price.  Your mouth dropped.  "Even after the sales discount, it's still that much?"  No way you're thinking that price? but then again of course a dress like that is rare to find it's definitely one of a kind.  The quality it's made from does explain a lot after you justify to yourself.  Hmn you think, ok well at least let me try just to see how I look.  You try the dress on and it's a bit snugly, matter a fact you need help to make the dress fit.  Finally after sucking in your breath and holding it for 5 secs. you're able to maintain your posture.  You look in that mirror and say wow I know I will look good after I lose a few pounds, then I know I will be fabulous.  So then as you're taking the dress off you're trying not to stretch it out and ruin the shape of it so again you try your best to snuggle your way out and the more you try the more you start to suffocate and then you're stuck.  You're stuck in this odd angle of taking this dress off.  You pause for a moment to take a deep breath and you make one more last pull before you're completely free but again your chest is in the way and it's even harder and harder to take the dress off.  Now you're thinking there's no way I can go through this again trying to fit in this dress.  I definitely have to lose wait to fit in this comfortably.  Ugh you're feeling suffocated again and this time your arms are starting to feel sore and the dress is leaving marks all over your body from the pull.  Finally after a process of slowing getting out of it you're free.  At this point you don't even care about catching your breath you're just worried that you didn't ruin the dress.  Yes the dress is still intact for the most part.  You hold it against your body looking at the mirror and you say, I know this will work out once I lose the weight.  I slowly look at the price tag again and then it hit me how much I'm going to have to cut other costs to make up for paying this dress.  This dress is going to cost a pretty penny that I don't have right now nor will I have in a couple of months for that matter.  There's going to be a lot of adjustments for me to make to get this dress and to wear this dress.  I'm going to have to work out and save money at the same time all the while of not having the luxury of enjoying this dress to wear right now.  I took a deep breath and stared at it for a long long time in that dressing room.  The sales clerk kept asking me if I was alright.  I don't know I said but don't worry.  She walked off confused and so was I, cuz I really do not know what to do.  Should I buy it or walk away.  This dress will give me the push I need to fit in it but the price will put a dent in my wallet.  By the time I'm ready to fit into the dress I won't have any money to go out to.  But if I don't buy the dress then nothings lost.  It's as if I was back to where I started in the first place fantasizing what that dress would be like wearing it.  My heart says yes but my head says no......Yes that dress is gorgeous but I'm not sure the value of that dress is worth me struggling for.  It shouldn't be this hard thinking about it or purchasing it after UGH! After my meltdown I finally stepped outside the box. That dress is for someone who has the money and has a nice shape to appreciate it.  And I know that there's another store around the corner that has a better price and cute dresses.  But if I want a dress like that again then maybe I should work on saving now and losing weight to where that right dress will come along and when it does I will be ready and willing to make that big purchase.

Sometimes I cry

New song from Eric Benet....The lyrics just hit too close to home for me.  It's sad but trust me I am moving on.....it just takes a long time to let go of the love of your life, especially when you haven't found anyone close to his stature. 

Two years since you walked away from me
Since all of our scattered dreams, were just thrown away
I’m finally gettin’ back to what I used to be
Shared my pain with my family
Think I’m on my way

I can sleep at night, I don’t reach for you when I wake up, no
But it’s taken some time, yeah
I can live my life without praying that we could make up
I’m movin’ on, I’m feeling strong inside but

Sometimes I cry babe
When I’m all alone with this heart of mine, ooh
Sometimes I cry baby
Although you’ve been gone for a long, long time,

I heard you’re movin’ in with someone new
I hope all your dreams come true
And you’ll both be happy, yeah
Been long enough for me to take a look around
I met a guy, we been hanging out, he’s been good for me
But when we making love, he don’t take me there like you used to
And it hurts when I lie, when I lie baby
Help me understand how to push you out, forget you
And let you go ‘cause Lord knows I’ve tried yeah

Sometimes I cry baby
Baby I’ve been hurtin’ for a long, long time. Yes I have babe
Sometimes I cry ba-a-a-by
Aint nothing working for this pain of mine,

I’ll just have to fake it
Until I can make it
There’s a smile on my face, yeah, but I’m broken insi-i-i-i-i-de,

Sometimes I cry
When I’m all alone , when I’m all alone with this heart of mine,
Sometimes I cry baby,
Although you’ve been gone for a long long, a long long
Long, long, long, long, long, long, long, yeah, baby, baby, baby
I can’t take it no more
I can’t take it no no no
 
No come back to me

Honor your heart

I don't know what it is but I seem to always attract older men who wants to help me for some reason.  What made him come up to me and say "whatever it is it's not too late".  WTF!  Excuse me what does that mean?  What is on my forehead for you to express your thoughts upon me.  My gosh!  My girlfriend and I were hanging at this new soul food restaurant which I can say is a happening place to be.  Love the atmosphere.  This older gentlemen kept asking us to dance.  We kept brushing him off but was laughing with him along the way.  This time he was asking deeper questions like asking my age and  where my grand parents are from.  Then he said we must of met before.  I'm thinking old man don't think your game is going to run on me now.  Lets not insult injury here.  I may look bitter but don't try to play me for a young fool.  Anyways I wasn't looking bitter.  My girlfriend and I were enjoying ourselves and you can just see the glow in our smiles because this place looked a little stuffy.  No wonder he kept coming by us.  He said he's 60 years old but he looks like a nice 50 with his charm.  Out of nowhere when my girl went to the restroom he said "it's not too late for whatever you're looking for"  I said define what's late for you, as if I knew what he's talking about.  Heck I played along with it because attention never hurts right?.  He said, "you look like God's child."  "Excuse me", just to clarify what he' was saying.  He said "you're God's child right?"  I said, "we all are", with a smart smile.  He said "don't worry he can give you the world but he must honor your heart."  I just teared, I don't know where he came up with that but it hit the core.  It hit the core of what's needed in general.  Honor your heart is the most beautiful thing I've heard in a long time.  It was just nice to hear that and all his bs he was trying to spill opened a window of respect for this older man.  It was nice for him to share, as he was brushing off of saying too much.  But it was nice to hear and a nice reminder for us women that this is what men should do.  It's rare to find but when he does, he deserves the world .............from you.

Bittersweet

Been there done that

So my girlfriend has this dilemma which is fasincinating because it affects me too.  Yes we are not getting any younger so our preferences are starting to change.  The superficial values don't matter as much as before, you know looks, hmn looks, oh yeah looks and personality.  Personality comes to play more and the value system and maybe financial background, and education starts to pan out.  These items are starting to tie in to what you want in a partner on whom you want to build something long term with.  This is what you want, correct?  Like I said before we all have a list but how often do we really stick to it.  Time goes by because you haven't found anyone that fits your list until now so you make an exception because well he's nice and he's showing interest and making an effort.  You can't fault him for trying and it's always nice to get attention.  No one will pass that up.  So things are going smoothly, he's charming, funny, he pays for everything, you guys are just enjoying each others company.  You're starting to get comfortable, attached, and you're starting to have that dependent feeling.  Then you check yourself......Then that moment comes, that silent moment where you have that quick thought, if he's someone I can be committed to for now, for a while, or maybe to fall in love with.  For me I know if I can commit.  If I can be faithful to, If I can see myself falling in love with you.  Right now I haven't thought beyond that because I'm not sure if I want to go there with you.  And why is it that I haven't looked beyond this moment.  Maybe deep down I know he hasn't fit the description on my list or what I'm looking for long term.  It's not so much physical anymore than how he treats me but are we truly compatible for each other.  Am I someone he needs and is he someone I need to grow with.  Like I said I knew and know from the beginning what I wanted before I met him and I know how I can be when I'm with him.  You are stuck in two different directions with no path chosen ....yet.  Which path should you follow  head or heart?  I've been there done that, lesson learned.  For me my head is saying to protect my heart.  Therefore I shouldn't settle for anything less than what will satisfy me.  All good things come to an end I suppose. 

You can't help it

I was thinking about the list my girlfriend brought up.  We all have a list if you like it or not.  It may not literally be written but it's also known as preference.  If I asked you what's your preference you would generally give me a list of what you're looking for, correct?  Yes, same difference.  Now that that's clear, I would say that we all know within a few minutes what we are attracted to.  You can't help it, you know what you're attracted to.  So when you finally find someone who fits that list and that person gives you the time of day.  Even if he doesn't give you the time of day, you will find a way to make it happen.  Trust it will happen.  Now that you got that connection, you're going to run with it and it's like "love at first sight".  The passion, the exhilaration, excitement, this whole euphoria just bursts into this fantasy of your partner.  You start doing things you wouldn't fathom to do with a regular dude you been killing time with, but this guy....you can't say no.  Even if everyone else is saying no, he is your man.  Man how do I know the feeling.  Then you start to think it's love.  For me it wasn't the love so much of what couples define love to be but I can say for me it was the love I wanted to give and give and see no faults within him.  You may say I was a fool in love but for the most part my head was still intact.  I can vouch to say that I wouldn't compromise myself to serve him.  So I wasn't that blinded but I can say that he was someone I longed for for a long time and it was just nice to have someone I'm looking for to cross my path.  You can't help it!  What I took from it though is that the experience is something I can never forget and I know the love that I had for him is possible for the next person.  Trust me it's a rare incident to give my love completely but the reward is that much bigger and the risk is that much at stake to find someone where you fit his list as well.  Until then never settle for anything less than what you desire for yourself!  Make that list count!

He's not ready

It took me 3 wine glasses and 2 sake bombers for me to say this.  I've accepted it for what it is.  For he to say he's not ready, says he's not ready.  I'm not going to sugar coat it or make it an excuse.  He wants to continue to see me and treat me like a lady but the purpose is no use.  He's not ready.  I'm drowned with 2 glasses of sake and 3 wine glasses and my vision seems all too clear.  As much as I want to be with him and yearn for his desires it's still clear....he's not ready.  I can't make him.  Nor can I make him realize that I am.  Because I am ready, ready for what may happen, ready that the possibilities of what can happen, I am ready for.  It's so easy for others to face reality but for me it's so much more.  It's the more that I plan, it's the more that I seek, it's the more that I yearn for and the desire that I speak.  Whatever that me be he's still not ready for me and what's so sad to say is that he still can't explain but yet he still wants to continue to see me.  What more can you see, what I'm giving myself and showing myself, is for you to seek.  I say seek a lot because it's the purpose to discover but yet my lover is hiding in covers.  I don't know anymore and I'm trying to face truth.  I'm tired and worn out and there's no place to escape.  Whoever has pity on me no need to try. I've covered my eyes and I can no longer lie.  It is what it is and there's no story behind us, just like he said he's not ready to bind us.

So that's what it comes down to?

This is part two from when I met the gal at the bar.  Reference back to "Hair talk".  So the gal I met at the bar was filling me on on how she's meeting with her ex husband's current wife and his jump off.  Yes please, read again for clarification.  According to her, she and the ex's wife are friends.  Well they get along.  So from what I get the husband has been cheating on the current wife with another woman who happens to carry his child.  The wife is still with her husband so obviously they are working it out.  So now that the child is now 2, they are all planning to meet to discuss how they can work as a family because the husband has taken full responsibility for the child.  YES, you read it correctly......Ok now that I stated the facts let me tell you my observation from this mess as I side eye her.  So the gal was telling me this as a gossip tip because she can't fathom it either but since she's trying to support her "friend" she's going to be there.  The gal does have an older daughter from her ex husband so I can see how she's still in the mix.  The current wife has two kids from her husband as well and I believe they're still young under 5.  So now that the jump off's kid is now 2 they figured they need to get to know their brothers and sisters.  This is the first time meeting the woman in person and meeting the kid for the first time.  All I had to do was kept drinking my beer and listen as this story unfolded so entertainingly.  The current wife walks through the door.  She's attractive actually both ladies are attractive, I say late 20's early 30's.  They seem very mature, got off from work attire.  They were definitely far off from Jerry Springer category.  The gal introduced us.  I didn't care to be introduced but why not.  They both sat to my right as I kinda kept to myself "minding my business".  All I could hear from the side of my ear, is she's already an hr. late .....then the wife started, saying how she be praised for being the bigger person and making the effort.....I'm sitting here like this chick doesn't owe her anything.  Then I started to look at her as she started whining and I slowly started to lose respect.  I don't know.  Just the whole mess threw me off but then she started hating on the other chick as if she the victim for trying to do right.  I was getting buzzed and annoyed by the nonsense and then the gal was just egging her on about how this chick should be appreciating her and taking her child in and being the bigger person.  WTF! They were starting to sound bitter and upset for the fact this chick stood both of them up like a fool.  A few minutes goes by and the jump off chick walks in with her son and they call got up with fake smiles, as I watched them react.  I looked at the other chick and I can say both of them did have one up on looks.  I'm sorry ,yall know chicks measure like that.  But the real measure is she still got her man lmao!  That's wrong, my bad.  They said their goodbyes to me and the gal asked for my number so we can meet up again.  In my head, the hell we won't.  I'm not trying to affiliate drama like that lol.  Anyways so I got to thinking dam three chicks been with this dude and they all seem to support and condone what he's been done to them and yet they all manage to work it out for the sake of the kids.  I'm not sure how healthy this can be, but if I was his kid, I'm sure dam confused as to what Daddy is doing.  Oh well to each is own, I guess there's a reward for being the bigger person or is it a fool and his gold shall soon be departed?

The hand that rocks the cradle is the cradle that rules the world.

I needed a friend to clarify this but now I get it.  So I was thinking about the whole dating game today and how it's changed so much from back then.  I guess I haven't lived long enough to know, compared to the generation of my parents, but I can say that whatever the game is today I really don't want it to get worse for our next generation behind us.  I see right now my generation youngins of our 30's and below are going to run things in the next 2 decades.  And I'm afraid that values and morals are slowing being put to the side for mainstream media and what society depicts as "in or out".  I for one don't watch television anymore so I couldn't tell you what's hip or not.  Nor do I care, but what I do care are the young kids falling into this trap.  Instead of focusing on their individuality they are slowly following television on what they think they should be.  When I was younger we didn't watch much television.  Me, my brother and sister always played outside and hung outside till the sun went down.  With video games, internet, and reality shows, it's become such a brain teaser and before you know it they'll reach their adolescent years with no source of foundation of values and direction on what's important in life.  I feel for these kids and I just hope my generation now doesn't allow this to continue to happen.  I hope these kids find themselves early before they easily drift off to being part of society to where young kids have to harden their hearts for fear of getting hurt or playing games for personal gratification.  I know this is an ongoing cycle but I want young girls and boys to at least in their lifetime to experience puppy love and not be so dogged out and pregnant so soon to where they lose their childhood.  Before it was a rare exception but I hope the next generation doesn't think it's common.  I would hope we all continue to maintain that age of innocence for our young kids and maybe they can change the game in their lifetime. 

Does this count?

So I was thinking about the whole union of marriage and I thought I came up with a great idea.  This guy pointed out his opinion that he and his girl been together for years now. They live together and they both vowed to be committed for life.  He agrees, that they are practically married.  So I thought then why not get married but not on a legal term, that way they both benefit.  She still gets her dream wedding and share those vows in front of loved ones.  I'm sure she wouldn't pass this up and he still gets the "out" feeling sense of security.  When I say "out" its that justification men make for if they break up they can easily walk away.  No divorce drama etc.  I mean that's the real reason why people don't want to get married right?  Anyways I'm thinking why not?  There's no legality behind it.  They both would continue to file single on their taxes but for the most part they can wear a ring like married couples, they can purchase a home like married couples, shared bank accounts, and now soon to be new laws which will eventually take place for couples having legal rights to unmarried partners, hence "gay" rights.  I think this is a great idea.  And the best part is, if they break up they can both walk away from it just like any break up....until there's kids involved.  Then things get complicated and more on a deeper level regards to the welfare of the child and then finances, then property, then emotional heart ache.  Then the two of you can't agree on anything, to where now you do need a lawyer and it's back to court all over again.  Hmn....where am I going with this?  I guess my point is there's no right way about going on with a marriage, partnership, arrangement, agreement, promise, whatever you call it that binds "love" together.  All in all a commitment is an agreement between two people period.  So it does take a leap of faith to get involved in such an honorable hold for one person on both ends to make.  So I say this, it isn't marriage that should deter anyone, it should be the fact that making sure that person is right for you and you right for him is the risk we are both willing to take.  And that my friend doesn't guarantee anything.  Cheers!

That's how you do it

I went to this open mic/poet bar last night with a group of friends.  It was a nice setting. The ambiance was right for a smooth evening of good music, wine by your side, and just listening to people speak their minds and their hearts.  It's always refreshing to hear others share their feelings and thoughts because it just keeps you grounded to know there are others going through their own lives.  My girls and I were looking nice and the men out there were looking just as sharp.  It's definitely an evening where couples would enjoy this atmosphere.  One poet came to the stand he was the feature poet for the evening and he had one special poem dedicated to a lovely young lady sitting at the bar.  He dedicated this poem to her from a young gentleman across the room.  As the poet read his beautiful poem you just saw these two blushing with smiles.  Everyone started clapping, while she's completely embarrassed and surely flattered and he just smiled with confidence with a team of supporters cheering him on.  I was just blushing for her.  It was the cutest thing ever.  That moment I thought now that's how you get a girl's attention.  Matter of fact she will never forget that moment.  This is a story she can share to her girlfriends for a long time on what a charming stranger did for her.  I started to wonder what ever happened to that.  What happened to the courtship of a man showing his charm, trying to impress you, wanting to get your attention.  Now a days it seems like buying you a drink is enough to exchange numbers and go from there.  Whatever happened to just showing a woman a good time and making her feel special to where it evolves into something more.  I guess it doesn't take much for men to impress women because women don't let themselves to be courted.  I was deeply impressed and applaud that young man for having the confidence, guts, and humility to put himself out there for her and to the rest of the people at the bar.  I hope she takes that moment as a rare flattering incident that shouldn't be taken lightly and for he to take that chance of getting to know her.

Let's talk hair

This happened a while back but I have to share this story.  So I was at this restaurant for happy hour on a Thursday evening.  The bar was pretty dead maybe one or two lounging around.  This young woman across the bar was sipping wine in front of me, while I was sipping beer.  She had short naturally curly hair just like I so I thought why not sit next to her and spark a conversation, why not we're both sipping alone and I figured we have something in common "our hair".  So I got her attention and yelled across the bar "are you sitting alone, may I join you?"  She said yeah come on.  The female bar tender thought it was so cute we all laughed.  Anyways we just started talking about hair from the get go.  She was asking what product do I use? How do I make it soft, when did I do the big chop?  We were both so passionate about discussing our hair and the most part was the insecurity we were going through.  This phase of wearing a certain outfit but if you had longer hair it would complete your look.  My short hair at times just made stay home.  It's sad to say but it only lasted for a short period.  In the beginning there's a sense of liberation and freedom when you first chop it off.  The lady who chopped my hair had to make sure I'm aware of what's going on.  She said she was blamed for cutting someone's hair, even though chick paid her to do it.  It's that mentaility you gotta prepare because it's not physcial, its everything.  I looked at her like dang this is serious.  I was starting to have doubts too cuz she kept saying all the negative things behind it.  Then the more she kept making sure the more I wanted to cut it.  I was all confused and emotional about the whole thing.  But whew, I got this huge weight lifted off my shoulder of being burdened with hair styles, maintaining my hair style, managing my money to keep my hair up.  It was a relief and an internal relief as well.  I felt like a new person, I felt like I can start over again.  Or at least at that moment the start of something new whatever that may be.  I was ready for a big change and the moment I looked at myself in the mirror with this new look I said wholly ish what have I done but then that moment of silence washed away and made me face the music that now I have to make the best of it with the rest of the world.  So me and this gal were just talking about now that our hair is at certain length it's starting to become hard to manage and style.  For me I have this big afro that's too short to put in a bun and but not long enough to get a certain curl to look right.  Her story behind why she did the big chop was she was tired of keeping it straight.  The humidity is not your friend with curly hair so she wanted to have that wash and go feel.  The heat must of got to her that bad to cut all her hair off especially when she said her hair was down her back, so she say.   I was more of wanting to go natural all the way the only part that wasn't was my hair so I figured why not.  Letting your hair grow and finding new natural ways to maintain it is a new exciting process that I'm following and I love it.  What I love most is that once it grows to it's fullest potential I will be more than happy to say every bit of this experience is all worth it. 

Movie "Timer"

TiMER

2009R99 minutes

In this comedic fantasy, science has facilitated the search for a soul mate via biotechnological implants that count down to the moment one is supposed to meet his or her match. But Oona (Emma Caulfield) is worried: She's nearly 30, and her TiMER isn't ticking yet. Will her dream guy get snatched up by someone else?

This movie is hilarious but so true in so many ways.  After watching this movie, of course, I started thinking what if there were something like that.  To know when you'll meet your soul mate.  I mean to know the exact date to meet your soul mate does that mean you have a time line to be buck wild?  Would all your experiences of trying to find your soul mate mean nothing since you knew all along he wasn't your life time partner.  If that's the case then what's the point right, of discovering life?  Because I think a part of this journey of living life is the experience of love and sorrow.  I think it's the grain that makes us.  These experiences, others experiences, stories, sharing.....could go on forever on what makes the world go round.  To know what may happen tomorrow to be certain and a guarantee just takes away the essence of just being.  Is there even such thing as a soul mate?  I've had this question come across several times in through the years and the older I get and to answer that just makes think of the question differently and my though process is even deeper to look into.  Of course when I was younger lets say 21 I believed it, I figured it exist.  Then when I was in love with my boyfriend at the time I thought well of course it does I found him.  Oh how I was wrong but was I wrong?  At the time I vouched for it, even died for it if anyone contested me but now if you asked me today I couldn't tell you if the sky is blue without someone proving it to me.  I sound a bit cynical but now with the experiences I've had and what has helped me in the growth process.  I say growth because I can say I've gone past the realization that if I came across those "feelings" I went through when I was 18, 22, 24 I guess I can distinguish the difference a little more.  If I had the choose it all again and go back to what I know now, would it make a difference?  No it wouldn't.  I'm starting to think that time doesn't have a time line so these experiences I had at 21 wouldn't be no different than if I had it at 27 either way I was still affected and the impact makes me a part of who I am today.  Or whatever experience I haven't been through today, but may experience in several years will just be the added value of who I will become.  Hopefully by then I would like to be a more wiser person to say the least.  I do believe there is someone for everyone just finding that right partner is what makes life so exciting and miserable.  So back to this movie if you had the chance to know for sure the date of when you would find your soul mate would you want to know?

Defining dating

I was listening to the radio on my way home from work today.  The DJ brought up the subject from one of the listeners on letting their daughter date several guys.  Before he went into his answer he said "let me first define the word dating because a lot of you are still confused about that".  I laughed and thought please clarify.  He said, "dating is the get to know you process that leads to something more eventually.  There's no relationship established nor sexual relationship in the works until you both established that.  If yall sleeping together then it's a casual relationship, no agreement has been made so therefore, you can't really call it dating."  So in summary from his definition dating is a friendship basis until discussed otherwise.  Why didn't I know this somehow.  Why when he said it, it made all the sense in the world. I suppose dating is open game, he can still see other people, I can still see other people.  I guess it gets complicated when I made out with you on Friday and you're on a date with another chick on Sat. Should I really be bothered by it?  I guess in legal terms no but then I got to question does he really like me or is he playing games? Can I say that he kissing a lot of other girls make me feel special?  Hmn I don't.  I don't know how a guy does it but that's a lot of energy, money, and effort to be dating more than one woman.  According to the rule I can't be mad, but I will say this unless he has a lot of money to spend (which wouldn't affect him), if he continues to put his energy, money, and effort on you then maybe it's something worth while to hold on to until you do have the talk of establishing a relationship.  Because until then ladies yall only dating right?

Can we be friends?

My team at work which composes of a total of 4 are all pretty young meaning the oldest is 40.  I'm the youngest in the group and also single.  Everyone else is married.  For the most part I don't feel out of place when it comes to tv shows, current gossip, and things we do on the weekends.  Well for me I seem to be the entertaining one with stories to tell.  I can't even say stories it's more of me generally speaking and they delve deeper into what I'm discussing.  So the other day I kept referring to my happy hour friend.  Then my boss asks if he' s a guy.  I thought does it matter?  Which I responded just like that and then everyone assumed he's a guy which they were right.  I guess I was a bit reluctant about it because I already know where they're going with this.  How come you're just friends, how did you meet, etc.etc.  Well the kicker is I told them it's just a happy hour buddy who I meet on occasion who happens to be married.  Yes he is married and he's not hiding it.  He and I already had the talk of what his intentions are with me and why we hang out.  I felt like there are no lines crossed and we can be friends.  Until he crosses that line then our "friendship" would end.  Plain and simple.  They were all condemning me for hanging out with a married man and saying I'm setting up the foundation for something to happen, which I totally understand and not naive to know the potential damage....not in my life but his if his wife knew.  But then again what does she need to know that he's hanging out with a single gal.  There's plenty of single women at happy hour.  We happen to meet same time same place nothing more nothing less.  I pay for my meals he pays for his.  I see nothing wrong.  What I did realize after my boss pointed out is what am I getting out of it.  His benefit is that another women is giving him attention and the possibility of what may happen is exciting to him and this drives him to meet me every time. The excitement of getting closer and closer can lead to something.  I get that he's a guy so he hasn't put much thought into our friendship cuz I haven't either.  But I did notice that every time I do see him he's getting to know a little bit more of me, more to where I'm getting comfortable and relaxed and he's starting to know a little of my secrets.  I don't know too much about him but he's older so I'm sure he knows more of me than I know myself at this point.  So what am I benefiting from this, his company, someone to talk to, amend the loneliness, killing time, the attention?  I don't know but I am getting the short end of the stick because I can use this energy to meet someone new to where the possibilities can evolve into something more compared to his version of what we can evolve to.  So my question is can we be friends? Because it's not about male or female, married or single...but are you both benefiting from this friendship in a positive way and my answer is no.  

New to this!

Hello my fellow blogger stalkers/fans. (I hope to have some soon.)  But I finally decided to write out my daily/weekly/seehowIfeelblogs.  I have a lot to say and I have some fascinating/random experiences that I should share.  I figure why not share them  for your amusement but it's not so amusing to me till after the fact. I don't know what it is but my "aura" on how certain things seem to happen to me, seem to happen to me.  I swear I'm a sane, educated, fair, nice, kind, goofy, attractive gal who seems to attract all walks of life and yet I'm questioning is this normal? I was told I should have a reality show, but writing it out to me will always be kept real.  So with the support from my lovely friends and interesting topics that I seem to overly explain,  I figure why not post it out there and let the world (my close circle) know.  So my fans let my door open to funny stories and embarrassing moments begin! 

xoxo

Just watched the movie "Singles"

Below is a general synopses about the movie;
1992 PG

Generation X neighbors share their bittersweet, intertwined stories of the single life in director Cameron Crowe's quirky relationship comedy set against the backdrop of Seattle's grunge music scene in the 1990s. The film boasts a killer soundtrack with cuts from Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains and more and features Bridget Fonda, Campbell Scott, Kyra Sedgwick, Matt Dillon and Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder (in a cameo role as a rocker).

I just finished watching this movie a few hours ago sipping on red wine, yup, yup.  It was made in 92 and I couldn't believe how relevant it is to 2010!  Talk about art imitating life.  I believe this movie just sparked a whole generation after them on what dating is about or was dating always like this.  Hmn in 92 I was still in Jr. High so who cares right.  Well I didn't think it could be so complicated then because now dating today is so complicated.  I can't believe there's a process before even calling it dating now a days.  When did it ever get like this?  I remember in high school how a boy (emphasis here because yes they were still boys) would show his interest and you would blush when he asked you "would you be my girl? or something like that and you were automatically a couple.  We didn't think of the after math we were just glad to have a boyfriend because we all knew that having a boyfriend in jr. high and high school was a status, that you were somewhat popular or likable.  So there you go walking down the halls holding hands doing what kids do, smiling and being googly eyes all the way down the hall, not discussing anything other than what you were doing for the weekend.  Are we meeting at the mall or movie theater?  Today if a guy ask me to go to the movies my question is, is this a date and are you paying?...Of course I didn't say that but I questioned it in my head all the way to the theater and I still get confused even after the movies.  A friend said well that's fine if he asked you but did he pay cuz then that will be considered a date.  Then I questioned so if it's a date does that mean he's interested in more dates or is it a one time thing I suppose that's when you will know on the first date.  So then what happens when you go on several dates and he refers to you as "hanging out" but not dating.  I'm so confused and I've come to realized how we all want to define things but these definitions are making everything oh so complicated but then again it's an oxymoron because how else would you explain your thing to others or yourself.  So see, now I resort back to my high school dating and say at  least he likes you.......Well we'll go back to defining what "like" is another time..