Matters of the heart

It's so cliche to hear that phrase all the time,"living in the moment" when you start thinking about your future.  Dating can be a fun experience with someone you're actually interested in. However,  in time and after time your exchanges elevates to a new level of establishing something more meaningful.  Well for me it's becoming more meaningful.  Meaningful in a sense that I'm looking for more, something a bit more significant than ordinary dating.  Someone to just care for and someone to care for me in exchange.  It's not much to ask of anyone but it does matter on who you are your asking it from and how much value of your time is it all worth to bargain your heart for.  But how much heart should one give before one can even establish something meaningful.  It's a catch 22 because where should you start, from the heart or wait for something meaningful in order to give your heart?  I'm torn because my heart doesn't open up so easily when my past relationships haven't taken my heart seriously.  It is hard to bounce back from something like that.  And to be honest it is so true that there's no remedy to relieve such a broken heart other than time.  Time is everything and everything has nothing but time on it.  What's even funny is time eventually has an expiration date as well.  But that's another debate.  I guess my time has come up to move on which I have but I guess the real question is, do I have enough time to go through it all again?  To go through the courting and falling stage only to possibly face the unknown, that things may not go well in the long run.  It's a scary feeling to have.  Oh my it's scary.  I'm scared to enjoy the catching moments that brought me back to when I was happy only to foresee what the bad may lie in the future.  I guess no one will ever know until you experience it.  It's all a risk, its always risk.  But the grand question of it all to me is, is it worth my time to have my heart open for something more meaningful or is HE worth to have my heart hurt again.  I suppose if it didn't hurt then it didn't matter to begin with right? I'm not sure if there's a method to save your heart and to say you're in love is there?

Unnecessary information?

I had a humbling experience yesterday with a male friend of mine.  I guess because he was straight forward and said how he felt a few minutes after our incident.  I knew he was upset by his reaction.  Here's the story.  I joined him for an early dinner yesterday because we planned to go somewhere else later in the evening.  While we were having dinner he was also expecting to meet another gal to join us for drinks.  Ok that's fine he's done that before and it's cool.  So you know me being friendly and sociable as I am, she and I were chatting.  Typical conversation so how did you meet so and so.  She responds with a gush laugh that she met him online.  I said "oh wow I'm not surprised he meets a lot of people online, I suppose that's how he knows so many people".  That was it didn't think nothing of it.  To me it was just a casual conversation maybe me talking out loud but I was saying in a playful manner.  Later into our conversation as my male friend joined us she instantly said out loud in a teasing manner "so I hear you meet a lot of people online".  We both laughed and he instantly looked at me and walked away.  We both were questioning why was he upset.  He stepped away for a while and she questioned if she offended him and I took it as maybe he didn't want you to know that...for whatever reason they are if they were friends or more or any potential interest.  From her perspective she brought it up cuz maybe deep down she was questioning how many people does he meet online and from his perspective he didn't want her to think he meets a lot of women online, in which he truly does.  I'm a witness to that.  Anyways that's not the point...I see his issue between us because it wasn't my place to share unnecessary information for whatever it may be.  He immediately text me and said "We are going to have to stop hanging.  Some things are better left unsaid".  From that I knew he was upset.   I had to confront him because the last thing I need to do is have this awkward tension between us.  He said that I've been sharing a lot of unnecessary information and he's been hearing it coming from me.  Ok first off I don't talk about him like that...if anything I say nothing but nice comments where I've stuck up for him.  But somehow the females he's hearing story from are misconstruing the story and pointing out the negative issues to him.  But you know what...he can't even blame the issues with me because what I don't understand is why he keeps bringing females he meets around me.  I don't get it!  It's like I'm his wing man to get girls so the women can see he's a nice guy because someone like me is friend's with him.  I'm starting to see his angle.  Yes he is a great resource to know because he has introduced me to great people and great parties but in a way I suppose it's a even split amongst our friendship.  Maybe we're using each other I don't know.  But my intention with him has always been honest that I do value his friendship and maybe the added benefit is because he knows people but I never looked at him on becoming his friend because of that.  He is overall a genuine good person.  But I'm not sure what added benefit he gets by hanging out with me ...I suppose closing the deal with chicks.  What I don't get is now I need to start becoming conscience on what unnecessary information is....clearly little things to me means a lot to someone else.  I think it would be easier if guys stop playing games and making it complicated than what it needs to be.  Unfortunately I'm stuck in the middle.  Anyways we had a heart to heart talk yesterday and maybe I do need to keep things to myself when I'm introduced to new people about someone else because it seems like me sharing harmless unnecessary information is clearly doing damage to his reputation?

Bikram Yoga is no joke

Ok I took the class over the weekend.  I got the instructions of staying hydrated, no heavy meals before the class etc.  Yeh well that still didn't prepare me for the exhausting never ending class I experienced.  I was instantly drenched in sweat the moment I walked into the room.  I never sweated that much in my life and I'm from AZ lol.  I didn't mind the sweat though.  I actually liked it.  Some of the postures had me a bit nauseous and dissy.  I couldn't keep standing up and sitting down so easily.  I thought I was hydrated but I guess not.  I couldn't finish the course but I sat it out.  Actually I sat it out the next day as well.  Man people in that class were a bit intimidating.  Some of the men were in speedos in slim fit shape.  Especially this old man my goodness I had to look at him with amazement.  The women were practically naked.  Small yoga shorts and sports bra.  Shesh if I had their body I suppose I wouldn't want to wear anything either.  After the class I still had to just lay out and chill and some of the students stuck around to do their own thing.  I sat in awe watching this women doing all kinds of aerobic balancing yoga moves.  She was doing hand stands/poses for minutes.  Her body was amazing and the way she flowed had me mesmerized.  The human body is actually a beautiful art work. I saw several moves that had me staring.  Just imagine me in the corner staring at this chick.  All I wanted to do is eat a burger NOT lol.  Anyways there was no way I could get to her level but hey I'm good doing my own plan...whatever that is.  I guess getting back to the basics is my plan before I lose track of my weight and never get back to my cute dresses.  Anyways the course it self wasn't too bad now that I got the hang of it on the 2nd day.  The cool thing is the class follows the same routine for each class so once you get the routine down pact there's no surprises.  It's all about practicing and mastering the "asanas" (postures).  I did stick to 2 consecutive days. Now I need to is to find my balance so I don't get exhausted and discouraged.  But so far I enjoy the class.  I plan to take it till end of May then I'll see where my money is at ;)

Why can't women be like men sometimes

Growing up when I was younger I would say I was more like a tomboy.  I was always outside playing with other kids in my neighborhood boys and girls.  We would play hide and seek, kick ball, tetherball, tell ghost stories, go swimming, tag.  All the activities kids would be involved in.  I was so active, I didn't think about boys.  I did have crushes since 3rd grade but I wasn't girly girl about it.  When I liked a boy my interest in him was to do what he liked to do.  We race each other, play tag, or climb a tree.  I wasn't looking at the mushy things on dressing up or kissing.  I just wasn't there yet.  So my mentality as a young child never really panned on how girls can be....catty, jealous, possessive, territorial etc.  I wasn't really into girl groups or having a click so to speak on girls dressing up, wearing certain kinds of clothes, even talk alike.  I may have a few girl friends1 or 2 besties the most that we all get along.  If I were in any certain kind of girl group it would be because my friends brought their besties and it would be then a girls night kinda thing.  But for the most part I never really had too many girlfriends to hang with.  Most of the time I had at least one guy I can kick or one guy to tag along with if I were to go on an outing with my girls.  Anyways now that I left a back drop into hanging with females it just never surprises me how a girl/woman can be sometimes, especially when it comes to men.  If  I were to hang out with my female friend and invite a guy to tag along for some reason the dynanmic would change.  My guy friend is just a guy who enjoys hanging out with the company of women.  Ok I get that.  I don't think he's looking for any type of attention or even looking to hook up.  There may be occasional flirting which happens with the opposite sex but nothing more.  We are all friends enjoying each other's company.  That's how I took it and that's how he took it so for some reason my friend had to be the center of attention and try to peek his interest some how.  Ok that's great and all but is it really necessary to be like that.  If the shoe were on the other foot and I was the third wheel and my girl happened to invite a male friend of her's whos cool, I would of been cool.  I wouldn't act weird or feel like there was any awkardnees.  It would just be a genuine good time from what I see.  But for her she had to act a fool and embarrass me in front of him.  He was even like what's up with your girl.  I didn't get it and what's worse is because she wasn't having fun she wanted to have a hissy fit and ruin the night by wanting to go home.  Keep in mind we carpooled.  It's a mess all around and I had to collect this as to why she was behaving this way.  I spoke with my male friends and it's sad and I tend to agree how females can be.  If one isn't getting attention or having fun or jealous to know someone to know someone as fine as he is she will play her insecure card by ruining it for others.  The only thing she did in my eyes is made herself look like a fool, made me look at her differently, and had my male friend question what's really up with her.  I swear this incident felt like highschool and I'm so over hanging out with females who don't have their own confidence and security.  My guy friend said this..."Men don't act like that, we're not competitive as females are when it comes to the opposite sex.  If we see a female and a guy is interested we encourage them to go for it.  Women would manipulate and back stab and compete for the next man by smiling in her face and taking him behind your back.  At least for men we may do it in front of you if there's no one's claimed, and plus we're doing our boys a favor cuz that chick was no good in the first place.  It's all about respect and it seems like females don't have that respect.  They only care for themselves. Us men we encourage each other, bring each other up and show them how to get there.  Women their all out for themselves.  Their motive is to get a man and that's her world to them."  I do see what he's saying...there may be some bitterness on his end but I understand the gist of his point.  Maybe I'm naive to the game.  But I never had that in my nature to think like that.  It's hard to make female friends like that too, who's confident in her own skin and not the insecure type who's my age.  Talking to older women is a refresher cuz the truth is they're not out there to compete.  They have that mentality like they've been there done that, don't have time attitude.   I didn't mind bringing my male and female friends together but somehow it always seems to become an awkward situation.  I guess maybe for me a lesson learned is to stop bringing my single male friends and my single female friends together, cuz woman who may be attracted to someone don't know how to act.

You have nothing to lose by knowing someone new

Ok several weeks ago I was introduced to a guy by a male friend of mine.  He thought we both would hit off.  He doesn't know him personally per say but they know each other from around the way.  He introduced us and my instant thought is damn he's FINE.  Off  the bat I thought eh there has to be a catch as to why he's single.  Sorry that is my pessimistic attitude but look lets save time by being shrewd a little bit.  Anyways I didn't sweat him nor was I interested in pursuing him so we both had our small talk and I went about my business.  Later that evening he text me that night because my friend gave him my number.  I'm actually getting annoyed with people trying to hook me up like it's a project for them but none the less I'm not complaining.  Weeks go by and we've been talking back and forth here and there whenever we can catch up.  He finally spills the beans and tells me some information he thought I should know "He's recently divorced and has 2 kids".  I was in straight silence.  It wasn't the shock value....maybe because I really wasn't attached and didn't know much about him, but my first thought was how old are you? and you been married how long?  I had no clue he's lived a fulfilled life.  I thought he was my age or younger.  I should of guess when he said where he lived in the suburbia part of town I should figure married life in those cities.  Anyways  he wanted to know how I felt and I said "feeling is not the word" I'm just more like well nice knowing you is more like it.  Honestly I said, "we are both on two different pages and it would be best if we're just friends". Just to be nice but in the back of my head I have enough friends.  He was cool with it agreed it's best that way, the last thing he wants to do is hurt anyone.  The last thing I want to do is waste my time. Anyways after that phone call I figured it was the last of whatever it was.  Few hours goes by and calls me back because he said he would and thought it was cool that we can be friends because that's what he really needs he said.  We whined up talking for hours and when I hung up my thought was okay?  I did enjoy our conversation, it was flowing and we had a lot in common.  We shared similar tastes and interest.  I took it as if I have nothing to lose by knowing someone new.  It actually made us open up more and share things like normal friends compared to someone new you're dating.  I don't know but talking to someone does make your day/evening worth the time just by sharing stories.