Sometimes you just have to say it and let it out

Ok as silly as it sounds I still need to hear it.  So Mr. and I broke up well not exactly it's more of no one is calling each other and yet there's no hard feelings nor explanation as to what went wrong but somehow it's over.  What's killing more is that I don't have an answer for what happened.  I'd really, really just want to know so I can stop thinking about it.  I tend to have a habit of analyzing or maybe it's my nature.  I am and honestly past it but to walk away as if nothing happened is just not enough for me.  How would I explain to the next person what happened to so so ...or on my 2nd date with a stranger to explain what happened in my so called relationships.  How does this sound to say the last real relationship I had was in 2002.  And the greatest love of my life couldn't call me his girlfriend.  WTF! What does that look like and so my explanation for the last 9 years were just hook ups.  My GOD this really looks bad now that it's written out.  I guess I can't revert to what happened last because nothing really happened I suppose?  But then again we did have a long consistent courtship where we did share quality time and genuinely enjoyed each other's company.  Heck I even got a xmas gift from him and for him to walk away as if we just had our first date kinda stings.  And what's worse is this sting doesnt' just spark so abruptly its the sting that lasts slowly the more you think about what went wrong.  I know I shouldn't be spending my time dwelling on it but I just can't figure out what went wrong.  I keep thinking it may be me and I can probably guess to an extent maybe me but for him to walk away and never call ........ Ok I'm exaggerating he does check on me.  But clearly it's not the same. It's kinda like getting a needle shot you just want it done and over with.  You know what to expect and you're faced to deal with the pain.  Well what about the slow moving shot that just lingers after the pain has gone.  Like the fact that he couldn't be vocal about anything yet he was so kind and gentle and sweet however, this whole time he was planning to dump your ass.  He knew he had to give up while you were thinking things were getting better.  Matter of fact you're thinking about taking things to the next level when his level was leaving your ass.  "Breathe" Yes I know let it go.  I am letting it go but now I'm back to square one again getting to know me....right how much longer do I need to know that I'm tired of this ish.  Ugh I'm back to being bitter again.  Ok he can't do this to me no no no.  Ok now I'm pyscho babbling.  Anyways It's just, if a guy were a jerk we can easily pin point it out and know it clear as day because he showed it blatantly to your face.  Well the one's who are kind and do care for your feelings and are gentle about it is only messaging the pain even more.  Either way pain is pain and it all hurts in the end however you put it.  At least if I'm mad I can move on faster.  I guess what I'm saying is just give me the shot and I'll eventually face the truth.  But I guess it's a catch 22 because once I face the truth at least there's forgiveness down the road.  There should be forgiveness regardless but that's another story.  But if he is a jerk I can uphold that he is a true jerk and no way would I ever talk to him ever again..he's just not a good person.  I guess in summary there's no right way to break up with someone is there?  Straight and fast or slow and gentle?  Whew well I feel a lot better letting this out with this beer in my hand, music playing, bout to cuddle under the covers doing me ....literally.