Closure

You can't drive ahead if you're looking through your rear view mirror.  As cliche as it sounds, this quote finally hit me.  As much as I've heard on ways to move on, words don't matter much when you're just not ready to face the truth.  You always think you've moved on from someone because you haven't seen each other or talked to one another for a long time so you figure you have moved on.  No.  It's just a cover up for yourself because deep down, you're still thinking about how he's doing, wondering where he's at, if he's dating someone, is he in a relationship, does he love her, does he do the same things he use to do with you that he does with her.  I'm sure one of these thoughts crossed you mind at some point.  It finally hit me, to where, you say to yourself, "you know what I'm tired of thinking about him".  I don't know why I still do but I do want an out.  Why haven't I got an out, where's my push?  My push has been to stay busy, to date others, to talk about it, compensate my time more at work, cry about it, to sleep away from my mind from thinking about him late at night.  I've done all these things and trust me it has helped but it only pushes my feelings further along.  Further along till time makes you face reality.  Being honest with myself is my reality at this point.  This whole time I've been convincing myself that I have moved on only puts me back to where I was at in the beginning trying to move on.  I know I can't move on if I keep holding to the past.  I know this! But this past where things were so good but lost on what went wrong.  This past of figuring out what went wrong and trying to fix it.  This past of hoping that maybe things have changed in the near future that one day God will answer your prayers and he will come back.  This past of knowing he will come back will be different and things will be better because yes you convinced yourself we are at different place and it is a different time.  This past has only brought me back........ when the whole world is moving forward and yet somehow I can't see it.  But you know what I finally found my lane again.  I see that lane very clear.  This lane is leading me to where I want to go.  Now that I know where I'm going there is one thing I must do for myself and for him.  I need to take this road alone and I need to let him know that I've been his passenger for too long.  I have to let him know how much he did mean to me.  It doesn't matter at this point how he feels about me or what went wrong.  What matters now is to take the high road on letting him know that our experience and how much he affected me is something I will never forget .  That's my closure to him.  Now the only thing for me to look back on is to say yes I did fall in love and that's that.

That dress

You're at the mall, not really to go shopping but something to do to get out the house.  The mall is always a fun escape because there's people around doing the same thing you're doing.  You can browse see what's new, try on clothes, pick up ideas for when you do want to purchase something in the future, daydreaming picturing yourself having that one expensive item one day, or just curious to see the prices on things.  You continue to walk around and browse and there's this one shop that's going out of business.  Everything 85% off!  I'm talking about cute clothes too to where there's so much to choose from you don't even know what to pick.  What's worse is there's only one of it's kind left so whatever you're looking for is it.  What you see is what you get.  What a bummer when things are too good to be true because when it does come up, best believe you're not the only one who notices.  But see you did happen to walk by when the guy put the sign out, so you are the first to notice.  You go in thinking ok I know I wasn't planning to purchase anything major.  If anything you may come out with a shirt that was on sale that you budgeted for.  But you're thinking in your head, ok depends on what it is because I wasn't planning on spending much.  You look around there's so much cute stuff but even after the sales price, it's still a little over priced for you.  You continue to look and look and my gosh there it is.  This dress you happen to notice hanging on the wall.  Of course it's one of it's kind and that dress is calling your name.  You just know how gorgeous it is and how cute you will be in it and how much compliments you'll get when everyone sees you in this beautiful dress.  You just got to have it!  At this point you don't even care about the other items are in the store.  Besides you did breeze through the racks twice and nothing pinned you ....until you looked up.  So you definitely know for sure there's nothing else that you want.  You just know how this dress will make you feel.  The sales clerk brings the dress down and tells you the price.  Your mouth dropped.  "Even after the sales discount, it's still that much?"  No way you're thinking that price? but then again of course a dress like that is rare to find it's definitely one of a kind.  The quality it's made from does explain a lot after you justify to yourself.  Hmn you think, ok well at least let me try just to see how I look.  You try the dress on and it's a bit snugly, matter a fact you need help to make the dress fit.  Finally after sucking in your breath and holding it for 5 secs. you're able to maintain your posture.  You look in that mirror and say wow I know I will look good after I lose a few pounds, then I know I will be fabulous.  So then as you're taking the dress off you're trying not to stretch it out and ruin the shape of it so again you try your best to snuggle your way out and the more you try the more you start to suffocate and then you're stuck.  You're stuck in this odd angle of taking this dress off.  You pause for a moment to take a deep breath and you make one more last pull before you're completely free but again your chest is in the way and it's even harder and harder to take the dress off.  Now you're thinking there's no way I can go through this again trying to fit in this dress.  I definitely have to lose wait to fit in this comfortably.  Ugh you're feeling suffocated again and this time your arms are starting to feel sore and the dress is leaving marks all over your body from the pull.  Finally after a process of slowing getting out of it you're free.  At this point you don't even care about catching your breath you're just worried that you didn't ruin the dress.  Yes the dress is still intact for the most part.  You hold it against your body looking at the mirror and you say, I know this will work out once I lose the weight.  I slowly look at the price tag again and then it hit me how much I'm going to have to cut other costs to make up for paying this dress.  This dress is going to cost a pretty penny that I don't have right now nor will I have in a couple of months for that matter.  There's going to be a lot of adjustments for me to make to get this dress and to wear this dress.  I'm going to have to work out and save money at the same time all the while of not having the luxury of enjoying this dress to wear right now.  I took a deep breath and stared at it for a long long time in that dressing room.  The sales clerk kept asking me if I was alright.  I don't know I said but don't worry.  She walked off confused and so was I, cuz I really do not know what to do.  Should I buy it or walk away.  This dress will give me the push I need to fit in it but the price will put a dent in my wallet.  By the time I'm ready to fit into the dress I won't have any money to go out to.  But if I don't buy the dress then nothings lost.  It's as if I was back to where I started in the first place fantasizing what that dress would be like wearing it.  My heart says yes but my head says no......Yes that dress is gorgeous but I'm not sure the value of that dress is worth me struggling for.  It shouldn't be this hard thinking about it or purchasing it after UGH! After my meltdown I finally stepped outside the box. That dress is for someone who has the money and has a nice shape to appreciate it.  And I know that there's another store around the corner that has a better price and cute dresses.  But if I want a dress like that again then maybe I should work on saving now and losing weight to where that right dress will come along and when it does I will be ready and willing to make that big purchase.

Sometimes I cry

New song from Eric Benet....The lyrics just hit too close to home for me.  It's sad but trust me I am moving on.....it just takes a long time to let go of the love of your life, especially when you haven't found anyone close to his stature. 

Two years since you walked away from me
Since all of our scattered dreams, were just thrown away
I’m finally gettin’ back to what I used to be
Shared my pain with my family
Think I’m on my way

I can sleep at night, I don’t reach for you when I wake up, no
But it’s taken some time, yeah
I can live my life without praying that we could make up
I’m movin’ on, I’m feeling strong inside but

Sometimes I cry babe
When I’m all alone with this heart of mine, ooh
Sometimes I cry baby
Although you’ve been gone for a long, long time,

I heard you’re movin’ in with someone new
I hope all your dreams come true
And you’ll both be happy, yeah
Been long enough for me to take a look around
I met a guy, we been hanging out, he’s been good for me
But when we making love, he don’t take me there like you used to
And it hurts when I lie, when I lie baby
Help me understand how to push you out, forget you
And let you go ‘cause Lord knows I’ve tried yeah

Sometimes I cry baby
Baby I’ve been hurtin’ for a long, long time. Yes I have babe
Sometimes I cry ba-a-a-by
Aint nothing working for this pain of mine,

I’ll just have to fake it
Until I can make it
There’s a smile on my face, yeah, but I’m broken insi-i-i-i-i-de,

Sometimes I cry
When I’m all alone , when I’m all alone with this heart of mine,
Sometimes I cry baby,
Although you’ve been gone for a long long, a long long
Long, long, long, long, long, long, long, yeah, baby, baby, baby
I can’t take it no more
I can’t take it no no no
 
No come back to me

Honor your heart

I don't know what it is but I seem to always attract older men who wants to help me for some reason.  What made him come up to me and say "whatever it is it's not too late".  WTF!  Excuse me what does that mean?  What is on my forehead for you to express your thoughts upon me.  My gosh!  My girlfriend and I were hanging at this new soul food restaurant which I can say is a happening place to be.  Love the atmosphere.  This older gentlemen kept asking us to dance.  We kept brushing him off but was laughing with him along the way.  This time he was asking deeper questions like asking my age and  where my grand parents are from.  Then he said we must of met before.  I'm thinking old man don't think your game is going to run on me now.  Lets not insult injury here.  I may look bitter but don't try to play me for a young fool.  Anyways I wasn't looking bitter.  My girlfriend and I were enjoying ourselves and you can just see the glow in our smiles because this place looked a little stuffy.  No wonder he kept coming by us.  He said he's 60 years old but he looks like a nice 50 with his charm.  Out of nowhere when my girl went to the restroom he said "it's not too late for whatever you're looking for"  I said define what's late for you, as if I knew what he's talking about.  Heck I played along with it because attention never hurts right?.  He said, "you look like God's child."  "Excuse me", just to clarify what he' was saying.  He said "you're God's child right?"  I said, "we all are", with a smart smile.  He said "don't worry he can give you the world but he must honor your heart."  I just teared, I don't know where he came up with that but it hit the core.  It hit the core of what's needed in general.  Honor your heart is the most beautiful thing I've heard in a long time.  It was just nice to hear that and all his bs he was trying to spill opened a window of respect for this older man.  It was nice for him to share, as he was brushing off of saying too much.  But it was nice to hear and a nice reminder for us women that this is what men should do.  It's rare to find but when he does, he deserves the world .............from you.

Bittersweet

Been there done that

So my girlfriend has this dilemma which is fasincinating because it affects me too.  Yes we are not getting any younger so our preferences are starting to change.  The superficial values don't matter as much as before, you know looks, hmn looks, oh yeah looks and personality.  Personality comes to play more and the value system and maybe financial background, and education starts to pan out.  These items are starting to tie in to what you want in a partner on whom you want to build something long term with.  This is what you want, correct?  Like I said before we all have a list but how often do we really stick to it.  Time goes by because you haven't found anyone that fits your list until now so you make an exception because well he's nice and he's showing interest and making an effort.  You can't fault him for trying and it's always nice to get attention.  No one will pass that up.  So things are going smoothly, he's charming, funny, he pays for everything, you guys are just enjoying each others company.  You're starting to get comfortable, attached, and you're starting to have that dependent feeling.  Then you check yourself......Then that moment comes, that silent moment where you have that quick thought, if he's someone I can be committed to for now, for a while, or maybe to fall in love with.  For me I know if I can commit.  If I can be faithful to, If I can see myself falling in love with you.  Right now I haven't thought beyond that because I'm not sure if I want to go there with you.  And why is it that I haven't looked beyond this moment.  Maybe deep down I know he hasn't fit the description on my list or what I'm looking for long term.  It's not so much physical anymore than how he treats me but are we truly compatible for each other.  Am I someone he needs and is he someone I need to grow with.  Like I said I knew and know from the beginning what I wanted before I met him and I know how I can be when I'm with him.  You are stuck in two different directions with no path chosen ....yet.  Which path should you follow  head or heart?  I've been there done that, lesson learned.  For me my head is saying to protect my heart.  Therefore I shouldn't settle for anything less than what will satisfy me.  All good things come to an end I suppose. 

You can't help it

I was thinking about the list my girlfriend brought up.  We all have a list if you like it or not.  It may not literally be written but it's also known as preference.  If I asked you what's your preference you would generally give me a list of what you're looking for, correct?  Yes, same difference.  Now that that's clear, I would say that we all know within a few minutes what we are attracted to.  You can't help it, you know what you're attracted to.  So when you finally find someone who fits that list and that person gives you the time of day.  Even if he doesn't give you the time of day, you will find a way to make it happen.  Trust it will happen.  Now that you got that connection, you're going to run with it and it's like "love at first sight".  The passion, the exhilaration, excitement, this whole euphoria just bursts into this fantasy of your partner.  You start doing things you wouldn't fathom to do with a regular dude you been killing time with, but this guy....you can't say no.  Even if everyone else is saying no, he is your man.  Man how do I know the feeling.  Then you start to think it's love.  For me it wasn't the love so much of what couples define love to be but I can say for me it was the love I wanted to give and give and see no faults within him.  You may say I was a fool in love but for the most part my head was still intact.  I can vouch to say that I wouldn't compromise myself to serve him.  So I wasn't that blinded but I can say that he was someone I longed for for a long time and it was just nice to have someone I'm looking for to cross my path.  You can't help it!  What I took from it though is that the experience is something I can never forget and I know the love that I had for him is possible for the next person.  Trust me it's a rare incident to give my love completely but the reward is that much bigger and the risk is that much at stake to find someone where you fit his list as well.  Until then never settle for anything less than what you desire for yourself!  Make that list count!