Closure

You can't drive ahead if you're looking through your rear view mirror.  As cliche as it sounds, this quote finally hit me.  As much as I've heard on ways to move on, words don't matter much when you're just not ready to face the truth.  You always think you've moved on from someone because you haven't seen each other or talked to one another for a long time so you figure you have moved on.  No.  It's just a cover up for yourself because deep down, you're still thinking about how he's doing, wondering where he's at, if he's dating someone, is he in a relationship, does he love her, does he do the same things he use to do with you that he does with her.  I'm sure one of these thoughts crossed you mind at some point.  It finally hit me, to where, you say to yourself, "you know what I'm tired of thinking about him".  I don't know why I still do but I do want an out.  Why haven't I got an out, where's my push?  My push has been to stay busy, to date others, to talk about it, compensate my time more at work, cry about it, to sleep away from my mind from thinking about him late at night.  I've done all these things and trust me it has helped but it only pushes my feelings further along.  Further along till time makes you face reality.  Being honest with myself is my reality at this point.  This whole time I've been convincing myself that I have moved on only puts me back to where I was at in the beginning trying to move on.  I know I can't move on if I keep holding to the past.  I know this! But this past where things were so good but lost on what went wrong.  This past of figuring out what went wrong and trying to fix it.  This past of hoping that maybe things have changed in the near future that one day God will answer your prayers and he will come back.  This past of knowing he will come back will be different and things will be better because yes you convinced yourself we are at different place and it is a different time.  This past has only brought me back........ when the whole world is moving forward and yet somehow I can't see it.  But you know what I finally found my lane again.  I see that lane very clear.  This lane is leading me to where I want to go.  Now that I know where I'm going there is one thing I must do for myself and for him.  I need to take this road alone and I need to let him know that I've been his passenger for too long.  I have to let him know how much he did mean to me.  It doesn't matter at this point how he feels about me or what went wrong.  What matters now is to take the high road on letting him know that our experience and how much he affected me is something I will never forget .  That's my closure to him.  Now the only thing for me to look back on is to say yes I did fall in love and that's that.