Giving

From my last posting I talked about being complacent and the struggle I have with "living on purpose".  I love that quote.  I decided to do something about it so I signed up to volunteer. 

Yesterday I volunteered to help feed the homeless.  My task was to pour water into their glasses while they are dining.  The night before I was out with my girlfriends til wee hours of drinking and lounging.  I wasn't ready to get up but I had to fulfill my commitment.  I'm not going to lie to see a lot of men especially black men from young to old standing in line to be fed says about the economic disparity in this country.  They are the majority in this group I saw and it's hard not to hold compassion for the poor.  I can't say I walked away feeling good about helping because I felt it's not enough to make a difference.  I commend everyone who donates their time and money for the less fortunate and highly commend for those who works there on a regular basis because they enjoy what they do. 

As I'm walking around serving water I noticed others sharing meals.  Some shared because they didn't like a certain dish and was willing to give it to someone who's still hungry.  These persons could easily waste their food and not care about others.  But the little they do have they were willing to share.  I thought my contribution was a small price to give but I realized that goodness spreads weather big or small.   Little things have the greater impact and I've witnessed it that day.  Goodness spreads and it helped brought my giving into perspective that every little thing counts.  It all adds to the greater good of ourselves, humanity, and just the deed of goodness itself.

Where have I been...

Sorry it's been a long while since I last blogged.  I have to say nothing has changed much since my last posting.  I've been in a funk I suppose or just been lazy about blogging and thinking about my emotions.  I do miss it tho.  I actually went back and read some of my old postings and it really helped me get back to myself again because I remember those moments when I was writing and recalling those experiences.  I guess lately I've just been complacent on where I'm at.  I hate feeling restless when I'm bored.  I know I can make time to be busy but I want to enjoy whatever it is that will keep me busy instead of being busy for the sake of it, it that makes sense.

I guess I'm bored now and not knowing what to blog about.  Oh yes being complacent.  I hate it.  I never want to be in that state.  I'm always yearning for something more but yet not really passionate about doing it.  I love the quote "live on purpose".  That sums it up and yet as much as I yearn for it I'm not doing anything about it.  The state of just being is not enough for me.  I'm guilty of being lazy.  I need to be inspired though.  I need to feel good about what I'm doing or who I'm helping.  I want to be part of a greater plan on impacting someone or something just so I know my contribution has been made.  I guess work comes in handy which does satisfy me from an 8-5 sense but for my personal contribution I want to do and be more.  For starters I am acknowledging my weakness and recognizing my desires and with that results in my actions which is to finish this blog and get back to the swing of things. 

This is a start. I've been contemplating this for a while so with that I'll get back to what I enjoy doing and discovering for myself.

What's your value?

I just had an epiphany yesterday when I hung out with two buddies of mine.  My friend's friend asked me what is it about me that brings value to my relationships/personal life.  It was a very simple question but wasn't sure I understand it correctly nor was I sure what kind of answer he was looking for.  As I took a guess and stumbled on a response I said "honesty"  he said, eh wrong answer. He said "that's not my question.  I didn't ask you what you value in a relationship, what's your value to a you?  What is it that can not shake you.  That brings the very best of your core and what you refuse to compromise on".  I thought about it and still kept thinking who I am in relationships, so I responded to, "commitment.  I know once I'm in it I'm committed till the end".  Eh wrong answer again, he said.  You keep visualizing how you are with someone when I'm asking what is it about you. Who are you? Now I was dumbfounded as to what answer he wants and what exactly is he asking.  I'm thinking well what are my values to my personal life and I'm automatically thinking of my personal life.  I don't understand.  My guy friend was surprised that I couldn't see the value I bring nor could I articulate what that is.

What struck me is that he said he knows the answer and yet I couldn't see it nor know myself.  Then I became defensive because I have a general idea of who I am or strive to be.  We are all a work in progress but to stand up and vouch for my values in 15 secs. was something I suppose didn't know.  My friend said I am close to answering it but without confidence.

I know or try to be an honest person, I value integrity, commitment to do what's right, not let others persuade me.  I follow me for the most part.  I didn't understand how could those be wrong answers?  Towards the end of our conversation I had to ask "what is the value that you see in me that I'm not seeing?".  

Well Estelle there it is.  Your character/soul/you and the value you bring is truth and strength.  Those are qualities/traits that no one can compromise you on.  Knowing that and standing tall about it will never bring you down nor have to second guess what it is that you bring to the table.  I teared....because someone had to tell me that and how grateful that someone out there who doesn't know me that long to recognize what I carried all along.  Maybe that's a good thing that someone had to point it out because now that it's been said out loud what I bring to the table I know exactly what to look for and who would complement me at the dinner table. :)

No one wants to hear the truth anymore...

This past weekend was a 3 day weekend for me so I took the opportunity to use my free time and go somewhere else outside of my city.  I still had this free hotel stay to use and I never been to San Antonio before so I said what the heck now seems like the right time.  I don't usually tell my small circle of friends my plans but if they ask I'll tell them.  Well actually they don't ask until I'm not able to join their festivities then I'm forced to explain why I can't.  I tell my guy buddy that I'll be out of town this weekend.  He slowly begins to pry and ask if it's vacation or work etc.  I told him the truth its a small getaway by myself.  He asked, "why are you serious?"  Ok, I understand its odd for a young gal to travel alone.  I get it.  Actually I wasn't planning to travel alone. I did have someone special in mind but he's no longer special in my life.  Then I asked my good friend to join but it's hard for her to say no and I feel like I'm forcing her so I didn't put the pressure.  Keep in mind I was planning to go on this trip for several months now hoping I'll have someone to tag along.  So now that this 3 day weekend is coming up I figured its now or never.  To be honest I was going to push on never because when I couldn't find anyone to go with I just brushed it off and let my special expire.  My dad was my confirmation that I should go.  We were talking like normal and I was telling how complacent and bored I've been getting and he suggested I go somewhere get out the city even if no one can go with me.  "You don't have to wait for anyone to do what you want", he said.  He is exactly right.  He had no idea I was planning on a trip to begin with.  Heck I've been to another country where English was the second language.  Why did I second guess going alone.  The truth is I didn't want to go alone.  So with that my friend continued to beg for the truth as to who I'm really going with.  I said "It's just me".  Then he starts to laugh and says "Estelle you don't have to lie to me. I thought we were better friends than that, so who's the guy?" then I started to laugh for the fact he didn't believe me.  His banter was more insulting than joking because I was being serious in a non-chalant way and he finds my "alone" trip to be humorous.  So for me to avoid the extra explanation as to why I'm going by myself to get away and do me I played along and lied "he's an old friend from back home.  We both are off Monday so he's never been to the city either".  Then he started asking about the guy and our background and I continue to lie to where its coming easy to me as if there is a real person that existed.  I brushed the subject off and started to think wow my story is more believeable than the truth because again a single gal going away alone just doesn't sound appealing or realistic to hear.  Well my friend.... just goes to show how much you know someone or the fact he doesn't really know me or want to get to know the real me when the whole time I've been myself.  Well that's what I'll continue to do, be myself by myself.

I'm no longer interested

Time has flown from my last blog "Does that mean he's interested?" well to recap from that blog it's obvious I'm no longer interested in him.  He was very much interested in me and a very nice guy.  I have to say dating someone for some time does give you a general sense if you're interested or not per say....of course right :)  I got to thinking man I was so clueless, excited and nervous when I first met him and excited at first to go on dates.  So why didn't it last?  My answer is I don't know.  I still don't know.  There's nothing he did or say to put me off but from the whole time we spent together I still wasn't sure to prolong our relationship.  There was no definite answer to how I felt or how I saw him.  It was more of just being and enjoying each others' company but I can't even say "enjoying" is the right word.  It was more indifferent to be exact.  My friends say I didn't like him or there was no spark but I didn't mind hanging out with him.  I don't know.  And as I'm still writing this I still don't know why I'm not interested.  Maybe that is my answer because I don't know and to know that I don't know how to feel or understand what it is with us is enough to say no and I'm ok with that.  I may have shorted myself on getting to know the potential of us but from the time we spent together was sufficient to see what it is right now and that's being indifferent.  I don't think that's a good start to falling in love with someone.  Therefore I pass.

P.S.
We are still friends.

I promise....

I Estelle, promise:

1.  To slow down and take my time, especially in the heat of excitement.

2.  To live in the moment and enjoy GOD's blessings.

3.  To be honest with myself and honor my weaknesses.

4.  To always maintain my integrity even if it hurts.

5.  To be PATIENT.

6.  To say no and not feel guilty.

7.  To feel free and find my peace.

8.  To give freely.

9.  To say how I feel and what I mean.

10.  To meditate more.

Moving forward

I just find it amazing how tragedy turns into triumph.  I wouldn't say it's that easy to get over any setbacks that happen in your life but to handle it with grace and not letting it bring you down is the real pull to moving forward.  This past month helped me realize how strong I really am and how much risks I've taken in my life.  Looking back at my life things could have turned for the worst with some of the choices I've made.  But you know what that has not happened.  Everything I've done has turned out better than I could hoped for or helped me get to where I need to be.  Let me give you several examples how God's grace is good.  This past month I lost my job. I disagreed with how management treated me and I fought and reported them to HR.  Of course they didn't like it and found ways to let me go.  I was prepared for the worse.  All I cared about was being eligible for unemployment (UE).  Even though mgmt. followed the proper protocol of letting someone go to avoid paying UE I was still able to get it.  What's even amazing is that people were telling me I may not get it.  I didn't let that discourage me if all fails I have my backup savings.  A week later my computer completely crashed on me.  It was devastating because I needed my computer more than ever.  I had things in there I needed plus my study program which I solely needed to study.  I couldn't waste any time.  I decided to purchase a cheap computer off Craigslist.  Things were working for one day and then that crashed on me as well.  I got ripped off.  I was worried having have to buy a new computer now that funds were limited.  I shared this with my IT friend and whalaa he was able to fix my computer.  Not only did he fix it but now my computer is faster and better.  Feels brand new again.  I wish I spoke to him earlier but no worries the best thing is I'm back to business.  Now that my computer works I continued to have trouble getting internet at my place.  My neighbor whom watches my dog sometimes lets me log onto her network sometimes.  Well I thought to myself instead of paying more money to sign up with a new provider why not just pay her for a while till I get back on my feet.  She didn't mind at all.  Now I have reliable internet.  With all this free time that's available to me I do admit those down moments started to sync for a while.  I was starting to feel discouraged. I would spend most of my time sleeping it away and watch sappy movies.  I try not to dwell in my sorrows for too long so I limit my self to one day.  After one day I'm usually revived again and back on my grind.  It has been up and down with me but for the most part I've had better days than sad.  I still went out with my friends and not let my finances limit my happiness.  If there's something I wanted to do that's within reason I did it.  If there's an outing I always wanted to check out now that I have the time why not.  Just the other day I found the time to get my carpet cleaned I shopped online trying to look for the best deals.  I whined up calling my complex to see if they had an recommendations.  They were able to offer me free cleaning because I recently renewed my lease.  I was so grateful for that.  Another thing I'm grateful for was not having to pay for my personal loan for one year.  I had signed up for the loan protection where you don't have to make payments when you lose a job.  What I didn't know is that I have to one year to get back to making payments even when I do get back to work.  How awesome is that I'm able to build my savings again which gives me more than enough time to payoff the loan.  I was so happy about that.  I try not to let these minor set backs get me too down because I refuse to go there.  I can't say it was easy for me to get up but I can understand how much harder it is for others.  I am blessed to have good people surrounding me and the love and support of my family and friends who care.  It does help, tremendously.  The simple phone call from my Dad everyday keeps me motivated.  The follow up calls and texts from my friends to remind me to keep studying.  The emails my friends forward me of certain job postings.  As annoying it can be I appreciated it.  I couldn't do this all alone.  No one can!  It's actually selfish and hurtful to me to think I can do it alone.  Oh and wait did I mention having that quite time with GOD helped me find my peace and calmness when these setbacks happened.  I couldn't let it happen even if I wanted to.  I continued looking forward and not let these setbacks hold me off.  I didn't let having to pay extra to get another computer hold me back because that is a necessity I couldn't pass up.  Yes, we have to be smart on what we spend but some things are worth paying for in the long run.  Even though that cheap computer was a waste of money my attitude towards it wasn't and with that I was able to land me a job.  As I start my new venture with this new company next week I can not believe how much time flew with all this freedom.  You would think free time slows down time.  I don't even know if I truly enjoyed this break as a vacation per say but I can say I am well rested and now I'm back and ready to get back to the real world.  This break has given my all the time I needed to show how much these setbacks in my life are minor compared to deeper or worse tragedies that are out there.  I wouldn't discount my experience but it has been in these moments that help me reflect and appreciate how much I am looking more forward to my future.  It's God Grace, your Faith in him, and believing in yourself that will always steer you to where you need to be.  He has not doubted me yet nor will he ever!